The last few months have forced me to do a lot of deep soul searching. It hasn’t been very fun. Or pleasant. Honestly, I wish I didn’t have to deal with this at all. But I do. And I have had to come up with answers to questions that I have avoided for years. During this time I have come up with only one truth. I do not want my disorder to define me. Borderline Personality Disorder will not define me. I refuse. But I know it will have to take this journey in steps. I can only do one thing at a time. As hard as that is to accept, I know it is the only way.
So the first thing I know I need to do is make some changes within myself. Because if I don’t, I know that I will not survive this. That is not meant to be a dramatic statement. It’s just the truth. I fear that if I do not take control now, eventually I will lose control permanently. The worst part is that this fight, it’s basically against myself. Against my own mind. It’s so hard to explain unless you’ve been there. Been so out of control that you can’t even recognize yourself, but at the same time, you can’t stop it. It’s very hard for me to control my impulses. Especially when it comes to alcohol. What makes it worse is that I have a very high tolerance for alcohol. Always have. Except now, with one of the medicines that I’m on, it takes only one shot to make me blackout. Just one single shot. And I have learned this the hard way. Multiple times. And through these lessons I have hurt some of the people that I love the most. And I have come very close to hurting myself to the point that I would not come back. So I feel that this is the first thing I need to take control of. So with that notion, I have made a decision. I will remain completely sober for the next 90 days. To some that may seem like such an easy goal to accomplish. But to me, it sounds almost impossible. But I know that if I can do this, if I can take this drastic first step, then anything can be possible. And I want so badly for anything to be possible.
I also have more motivation for this than just for myself. Because to be honest, some days I do not think that I am worth it. That my life is not worth the work. But there is someone that I will never falter in believing that they are worth it. His name is Austin. He is my 14-month old godson and nephew. And he is everything to me. I remember holding him on the first day of his life and I had never before experienced that feeling of such unconditional love. At that moment I knew that I would do anything for him. I would do anything to make his life as good as possible and make sure he had everything that I never did when it came to family. But I need to be around in order to accomplish that. So for him, I will push myself to be better. Because I want him to have the best in this life. And that includes the best of me.
They say that the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step, right? Well. Here is my first step. This is where I start. 90 days of sobriety. 90 days to my first attempt at freedom. And I hope that whoever reads this, if anyone reads this, will be with me every step of the way. Wherever you are. If you’re there. Because I really don’t think I can do this alone.