Have you ever been surrounded by people, but yet you still feel so alone? I feel that way constantly. I feel emotions so deeply. So strongly. Sometimes it’s almost like I can sense someone’s mood and it automatically changes how I’m feeling. Whether I want it to or not. I feed off other people’s moods, but yet I never hear what they’re saying. Like, people can tell me they care and that they love me. But I never believe them. It’s like there’s some part that can never believe. I just go through the motions wondering, “when are they gonna leave me?”. It’s stupid. And unjustified. But yet I can’t change it. I feel things so deeply, but yet i can never believe what other people feel for me. They can even do something to show me how much they care. And for that one fleeting moment, I can almost believe them. But then the next day it’s like it never happened. Again there’s that voice, “when are they gonna leave?”. And it’s never an “if”, always a “when”. Who wants to deal with facing that in friend or a lover? I can’t blame people for eventually leaving my life because they can’t handle it. Ultimately, I am the one that causes my worst fear, people leaving. They tell me that this is all part of the disorder. But what I want to know is, when will it end? When will it go away and I can be normal? But no one can give me that answer. No one can even tell me if it will ever go away at all. And really, that is the worst feeling of all.
January 31, 2012