I am finding myself struggling harder than ever between my rational thought and the raging emotions that are coursing through me. You see, I struggle on a daily basis to keep a semblance of “normal”. I will check and re-check what I am thinking and saying so that I am not seeming too “crazy”. Sometimes I am not able to accomplish this, but I still try my best. Essentially, every moment of my life, I try to be something that internally I am not. It is draining. And it takes the majority of my energy. But I do not want to be any other way. I am constantly on the verge of giving in to impulses; people in my life have no idea how much I struggle with them. And I constantly feel like I am on the edge of an abyss. Of just completely giving in and giving up and letting everything that I am feeling come out. But I do not want to be that person. I do not want to ever direct my own feelings of unworthiness and self-hatred towards the people in my life. Especially those that I care about the most. So I continue to keep as much as I can inward. I keep hidden all of the demons that constantly swirl around in my head. I wish that my friends could see inside my head. For just one second, they could feel what I feel and truly understand what I try my best to maintain control of. But with that same thought, I hope they never have to experience this. Because this is my daily life. This isn’t just a “once in a lifetime” experience. This isn’t me just wanting attention. Or being too sensitive. Or being too insecure. This is my life. This is what I wake up to in the morning and go to sleep with. Every night. And every single day.
I am finding it even harder to control my impulses. Honestly, I just want to say “fuck it”. I want to consume all the alcohol I can. I want to drink so much that I can no longer feel everything that I am feeling, even if it is just for that moment. That moment is at least a moment reprieve from it. And if I make bad decisions during the course of it, so be it. See that’s the other thing with BPD. Essentially, I don’t care. I don’t care what happens to me. If I don’t live to see the morning, I don’t care. I really don’t. But what I do care about are the loved ones in my life. And because of them I continue to struggle against that feeling. I continue to stay away from liquor and the drugs that are whispering my name. I continue to stay away from the bad decisions that I know will lead me into the abyss. And I continue to wake up.
So all of this swirls in my head. Endlessly. And I continue to fight. I continue to tell myself that it will get better. That my fate is playing out exactly how it is supposed to. Maybe one day I’ll actually believe myself. Ha, yeah right. I can’t kid myself. I am never going to believe it. Not ever. I will continue to put up a front. Be the person that the people around me think I am. Make the world believe that I am just like everyone else. That I am not a moment of being undisciplined away from being something else entirely. I keep myself in check. Constantly. Every moment of my life. But my question is, what happens when I no longer have that control? What happens if I just give in?