new chapter.

So I have talked about that night inSan Francisco.  The night that I almost didn’t come back.  But what I have not talked about is what else happened in that day.  Because while the night is a blur and I remember it only in fragments, the day was actually quite amazing.  Being with my best friend was amazing.  We have so much fun together.  And I also made a decision during the drive to our destination.  I decided that I was ready, after my breakup, to open my life to someone else.  To begin talking to someone that I had known was around and was interested in me even while I was in a relationship.  I decided that I was ready to begin talking to someone.  So I did.  On that drive I got the girl’s number from my best friend and I began texting her.  And from the first “hello” she captured my attention.  Most of what I remember from the beginning of that night is texting her while we were visiting all of the bars.  The trip was meant so that I could put myself out there and meet random new people and just enjoy my newfound freedom.  But I found myself meeting people to introduce to my best friend and then retreat to a corner of the bar so I could text her.  Like I said, she captured me from the beginning.  And that wasn’t supposed to happen.  It wasn’t supposed to be like that.  But against all odds, it was. 

And now, because of that day, my world is different in so many ways.  It amazes me that on that single day I could make two very different decisions that would alter my life.  It is the night that I almost didn’t come back from.  But it is also the day that I met someone who has made my life better.  And I am glad that I came back from that night for different reasons.  I have a newfound enjoyment of life.  I feel different than I did three months ago.  Very different.  And while it is an ongoing process, I am enjoying this new version of myself.  And while it is also an ongoing process of moving on from my decisions that night, I am glad that I am here.    

I am also glad that I was able to come back so that I could continue to get to know this amazing person.  The first couple weeks of us talking were pretty nerve wracking to be honest.  Because it was directly after the incident and so the scars were very fresh and held together by stitches and gauze.  I also felt extremely broken and lost.  But as I’ve stated before, I can hide emotional pain very well.  The physical pain was a little harder, but I would wear long sleeves on every date and every meeting.  And hope against hope that she would not touch my arm.  And if she came close I would grab her hand and direct her attention away.  But deep inside I knew that I could not keep up the charade.  I knew that, to this person that I was still getting to know and had just met, I would need to open up the darkest part of me.  If we were to continue, I would have to expose to her this secret part of me that I had not yet even opened to those closest to me.  I couldn’t hide it forever.  Not if I wanted us to progress.  And that terrified me.  Because I was broken.  I am broken.  And who wants to deal with that?  Especially so new into a relationship?  But it had to be done.  And I knew that.  As scared as I was, I needed to tell her because if she was going to leave, I would rather she have the chance to leave from the beginning.  She needed to know the truth as much as I did about how it would affect her and us. 

The night that I told her, I have never been so nervous.  She read me like a book and knew I was going to tell her something that was very hard for me to express.  She was expecting me to tell her that I was going back to my ex or something along those lines.  And so she was hesitant and extremely guarded.  Multiple times I thought she was going to tell me to get out of her car.  And that was even before I started talking.  But as I began, her eyes softened.  When I told her that the reason I had not texted her the day after those initial texts was because I was in the hospital, she started asking if I was ok.  I was shaking.  And crying uncontrollably.  I was a mess.  But she sat there patiently and listened.  Finally, I showed her the scars.  It was the only way I could fully express what I was trying to say.  Words couldn’t do it.  Nor could I find the words to explain.  So I just pulled up my sleeve and showed her.  The scars that day were horrible.  They weren’t even yet scars.  They were still fresh wounds.  And I had just had the final stitches removed and so it was red and swollen and hurt terribly.  The first thing she did upon seeing them.  The very first thing.  She grabbed my arm, traced the wounds with her finger and then gently kissed every single one.  Then she held me and let me cry.  

I do not know where this path is going to lead.  Or months from now, when I look back on this post, I have no idea if she will still be in my life.  But for now, she is.  And I could not be happier.  She brings out the best parts of me.  And loves the bad parts as well.  There are no secrets, no hiding these worst parts of me.  She knows it all.  And continues to stay.  And all I want is to live in this moment and embrace it.  She is not perfect and has her own storied past as well.  But for now, she has made me feel accepted.  For exactly the person that I am.  I feel no shame when I am around her and I no longer hide the scars that have come to define that one moment in my life that I regret.  And in this moment, that might be the greatest gift of all.  Maybe I will never be ordinary.  She won’t either.  But together.  Maybe.  Just maybe.  We can be extraordinary.

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new chapter.

So I have talked about that night inSan Francisco.  The night that I almost didn’t come back.  But what I have not talked about is what else happened in that day.  Because while the night is a blur and I remember it only in fragments, the day was actually quite amazing.  Being with my best friend was amazing.  We have so much fun together.  And I also made a decision during the drive to our destination.  I decided that I was ready, after my breakup, to open my life to someone else.  To begin talking to someone that I had known was around and was interested in me even while I was in a relationship.  I decided that I was ready to begin talking to someone.  So I did.  On that drive I got the girl’s number from my best friend and I began texting her.  And from the first “hello” she captured my attention.  Most of what I remember from the beginning of that night is texting her while we were visiting all of the bars.  The trip was meant so that I could put myself out there and meet random new people and just enjoy my newfound freedom.  But I found myself meeting people to introduce to my best friend and then retreat to a corner of the bar so I could text her.  Like I said, she captured me from the beginning.  And that wasn’t supposed to happen.  It wasn’t supposed to be like that.  But against all odds, it was. 

And now, because of that day, my world is different in so many ways.  It amazes me that on that single day I could make two very different decisions that would alter my life.  It is the night that I almost didn’t come back from.  But it is also the day that I met someone who has made my life better.  And I am glad that I came back from that night for different reasons.  I have a newfound enjoyment of life.  I feel different than I did three months ago.  Very different.  And while it is an ongoing process, I am enjoying this new version of myself.  And while it is also an ongoing process of moving on from my decisions that night, I am glad that I am here.    

I am also glad that I was able to come back so that I could continue to get to know this amazing person.  The first couple weeks of us talking were pretty nerve wracking to be honest.  Because it was directly after the incident and so the scars were very fresh and held together by stitches and gauze.  I also felt extremely broken and lost.  But as I’ve stated before, I can hide emotional pain very well.  The physical pain was a little harder, but I would wear long sleeves on every date and every meeting.  And hope against hope that she would not touch my arm.  And if she came close I would grab her hand and direct her attention away.  But deep inside I knew that I could not keep up the charade.  I knew that, to this person that I was still getting to know and had just met, I would need to open up the darkest part of me.  If we were to continue, I would have to expose to her this secret part of me that I had not yet even opened to those closest to me.  I couldn’t hide it forever.  Not if I wanted us to progress.  And that terrified me.  Because I was broken.  I am broken.  And who wants to deal with that?  Especially so new into a relationship?  But it had to be done.  And I knew that.  As scared as I was, I needed to tell her because if she was going to leave, I would rather she have the chance to leave from the beginning.  She needed to know the truth as much as I did about how it would affect her and us. 

The night that I told her, I have never been so nervous.  She read me like a book and knew I was going to tell her something that was very hard for me to express.  She was expecting me to tell her that I was going back to my ex or something along those lines.  And so she was hesitant and extremely guarded.  Multiple times I thought she was going to tell me to get out of her car.  And that was even before I started talking.  But as I began, her eyes softened.  When I told her that the reason I had not texted her the day after those initial texts was because I was in the hospital, she started asking if I was ok.  I was shaking.  And crying uncontrollably.  I was a mess.  But she sat there patiently and listened.  Finally, I showed her the scars.  It was the only way I could fully express what I was trying to say.  Words couldn’t do it.  Nor could I find the words to explain.  So I just pulled up my sleeve and showed her.  The scars that day were horrible.  They weren’t even yet scars.  They were still fresh wounds.  And I had just had the final stitches removed and so it was red and swollen and hurt terribly.  The first thing she did upon seeing them.  The very first thing.  She grabbed my arm, traced the wounds with her finger and then gently kissed every single one.  Then she held me and let me cry.  

I do not know where this path is going to lead.  Or months from now, when I look back on this post, I have no idea if she will still be in my life.  But for now, she is.  And I could not be happier.  She brings out the best parts of me.  And loves the bad parts as well.  There are no secrets, no hiding these worst parts of me.  She knows it all.  And continues to stay.  And all I want is to live in this moment and embrace it.  She is not perfect and has her own storied past as well.  But for now, she has made me feel accepted.  For exactly the person that I am.  I feel no shame when I am around her and I no longer hide the scars that have come to define that one moment in my life that I regret.  And in this moment, that might be the greatest gift of all.  Maybe I will never be ordinary.  She won’t either.  But together.  Maybe.  Just maybe.  We can be extraordinary.


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