As I’ve stated before, I sometimes wish that the people in my life could see the world through my eyes. For just one day. Or even just one moment. So they can experience what I do. Face what I do. Understand things as I do. While primarily it is the bad qualities of BPD that I talk about, there are some good qualities as well. At least I feel that they can be good. Perhaps that is me being optimistic. But it is something that I hold on to and think about a lot. Because essentially I feel I am a good person for these qualities. At heart, I am the deepest lover you can ever imagine. In spite of all of the bad and the detrimental emptiness and hopelessness I feel constantly, I also get brief glimpses of amazing. Of life as beautiful as it can be. While my emotions may alter my perceptions. And I feed off my environment in ways that I could never explain. I also feed off the good energy that can surround me. I can feel as high as anyone can possibly feel. I love ferociously. And endlessly. And that is what stems my extreme fears of abandonment and people leaving. It is what drives my impulsiveness and sometimes wreckless and harmful behavior. But that is what is hard for some people to understand and see…all of the negative stems from that initial love. That deep rooted ability to love. And the want and need to love. Ultimately, I can be in love with the world. All of it. I can see and experience everything beautiful in ways that most never can. And while those emotions may only be temporary. And the lows I face are dehibilitating and devestatingly lower than most can contemplate. I still have those highs. I still feel emotions stronger than the average person. Because essentially, that is BPD. I feel everything. I feel so much more. I do not see my world. Or hear it. I feel it. And along with the bad, that includes the good. So, in the end, if you were to look through my eyes and feel through my heart, while it would be damaging, it would also change your perception of the world. I feel too much. I love too much. I am unstable and broken. Parts of me will never be fixed. I am one of the most vulnerable people alive because of my disorder. But for those brief moments, I can experience beautiful.
So with all of that being said, here is my song of the day…..Mumford & Sons – Awake My Soul (no country today Mandi)
“How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes. I struggle to find any truth in your lies. And now my heart stumbles on things I don’t know. My weakness I feel I must finally show. Lend me your hand and we’ll conquer them all. But lend me your heart and I’ll just let you fall. Lend me your eyes, I can change what you see…”