Do Not Lose Heart

Do Not Lose Heart (Photo credit: Lel4nd)

Because of BPD, I can be many things.  I can be pathetic because my disorder, at times, defines me.  I can be consumed by self-hatred and drown in my own self-pity.  I can be weak because my inability to control my emotions can overtake me.  I can be selfish because I can become so consumed with my own emotions that I lose sight of anything else.  I am insecure because I believe that, in time, every single person in my life will leave me.  Convince me today that you are here to stay and I might believe.  But tomorrow I will lose all faith again.  I have lost all belief in my own emotions and feelings because they betray me time and time again.  That includes feelings of self-perseverance.  I do not know what emotions are ok to have and which are bad.  I have absolutely no emotional skin.  I will take everything to heart.  Whether you know that I do or not.  Most of the time, I hate myself.  I hate myself for everything that I am.  And everything that I can’t be.  I truly believe that I am a piece of shit.  And I truly believe that I do not have much worth.  Yes, I am pathetic.  And I am weak.  

I may not have the same story as others.  I may not have been through the hardships that others have experienced.  Others may have had, and may continue to have it, harder than me.  But I do have my own story to tell.  There are brief moments where I know that I am not those things that I believe I am.  That other people may believe I am.  The ones who don’t truly know me.  While I can appear pathetic and weak, I am also strong.  My strength stems not from what is apparent to the world.  But instead by what I control that others will never see.  I am strong because I continue to try to see the good in people.  I am strong because I do not take what I feel internally out on the world.  I am strong because I try my best to appreciate the people in my life.  I am strong because even though I think daily about suicide, I fight my own temptations.  I am strong because, every day, I continue to wake up and start all over again.  I am strong because I know what it is like to be weak.  My tears do not make me weak.  My tears are badges to show just how hard I try to be strong.  I do not cry daily.  I do not show my weaknesses to everyone that crosses my path.  

So, please, do not judge me.  If you ever see me cry, do not judge.  You have no idea the battle I fight daily just to ensure that I stay alive. 


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