Sometimes I get so frustrated. It’s like I take two steps forward, only to take those same steps back. As good as I think I’m doing, there’s always a day that messes up the flow. Today, the anxiety has been relentless. I feel like I can’t breathe. And at the same time, I feel like I’m gonna just crawl out of my skin. It’s so hard to explain that feeling. Whenever it comes over me, I find myself tightening my fists, tightening every part of my body that I can. Just to try to get that extreme feeling out. I don’t know. Perhaps no one can understand what I’m talking about. But when it comes over me, I hate it. There is nothing pleasant about it. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to curl into a ball and stay that way. I want to punch a hole in the wall. I want to slice open my arm, just to feel the pain. I want to do all of those things, all at the same time. And the worst part about these days, there’s nothing that caused it. Most of the time, my mood is directly related to the environment that I’m in. There is cause and effect. And I know exactly where my emotions are coming from and I either ride them out or try to rationalize to myself so I can maintain control of myself. But then there are days like today where it just seems to come out of nowhere. There was nothing to cause this. But yet here I am. And these are the moments where I feel the most alone. Because I try to keep so much inside. I don’t want people to know just how close I am to the edge. I keep retracing the scars on my arm over and over and over. Thoughts race. I remember. I remember that moment. I am faltering. The abyss is staring back at me. Please don’t let me jump.
August 1, 2012