thank you.

Pinky Swear

Pinky Swear (Photo credit: The Kozy Shack)

I have recently found myself reflecting a lot on the last year.  In all honesty, it has been the most challenging path I have yet had to venture down.  This time last year, I was deep in the throes of an emotional abyss.  I was struggling to find an identity.  To find a purpose for my life.  I was lost in a world in which not many people can find you.  I did not even know if I wanted to be found.  I was crying out for help that did not come at the time.  From there it only got worse.  My ex leaving me in the manner that she did, shattered any grasp I had on my life.  I was broken.  A shell of myself.  And I continued to spiral down.  I was beyond lost.  And I am too stubborn, or proud, to truly ask for help.  I have an innate belief that I can heal myself.  That I can maintain control over the demons inside of me.  I lie to myself.  And, by many accounts, I failed.  I never wanted to see tomorrow.  I never thought that it would get better.  I gave up on everything in this life that I had ever believed in.  Including myself.  And I found out the true extent of my disorder.  And the deep places that it can take me if I allow it.  The scars on my arms are fading.  But the memory remains as clear as ever.  I remember.  Everything. 

To this day, it terrifies me to think of the depths of my emotions.  And where they can lead me.  But I am still here.  I am a different person then I was 7 months ago.  To say that my life has changed over the course of the last year would be an understatement.  I have grown.  I have learned.  I have begun to build a foundation on the solid rock bottom that I never thought I would escape.  I still struggle.  I still fight my impulsive true nature.  I cry.  I battle against myself.  I battle with myself.  I know the darkness that can consume me.  And I understand that the darkness is still inside of me.  But I am here.  And I know that there are several reasons for that.  It cannot be attributed to just one thing.  And one of those factors was this place.  This blog.  

Whoever may be reading this, I want to take a moment to thank you.  Yeah, you.  I probably don’t know you.  I may never know your name or meet you in person.  But you’ve read my blog regardless.  And because of that I feel the faintest connection with you.  In this place I have found solace, and I needed that more than I ever knew.  Maybe no one is really reading this, but I will put my faith in the belief that someone is.  That even just one person out there cares.  And whoever you may be, you played a part in saving me.  Just by existing.  And for that, I will always be grateful.  

I am not “cured”.  I never will be.  I will still stumble.  I will lose battles within myself.  But I will continue to fight.  So thank you for providing me with one more reason to.  Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  Never give up on me.  And I promise to never give up on you.  I’ll even pinkie promise if you want.

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