last night. *caution: may be triggering*

Last night I broke down. I have a phobia of throwing up or feeling nauseous (emetophobia) and it occasionally gets really severe. It affects what I eat, where I eat, and I have a fear of germs because I’m terrified of getting the stomach flu. Well, last night I surprised my girlfriend by making her dinner. When she was making herself some tea before we went up to bed she discovered that some of the cups that were in the cupboard weren’t clean. I immediately freaked out thinking that I hadn’t run the dishwasher like I thought I had and so I had accidentally put away dirty dishes. One of the dishes had contained raw chicken and so I began panicking that we would get salmonella poisoning. My girlfriend battles with emotional issues of her own and so she got upset with me for freaking out. Which is pretty much the worst reaction you could have to me. It only causes me to freak out more and get angry. I can usually contain my anger pretty well, I’ve become fairly good at it over time. And I know that when I have those surges of emotions they will fade after a while so I just keep it in because I know it’ll eventually go away. But sometimes I lose that battle. Sometimes I just let the emotions overtake me. And I don’t really know it’s happening until it’s over and I look back on it. But in that moment, those emotions are my reality. I can rationalize what I’m feeling. It feels right. We fought over really nothing. But at the moment, I couldn’t hold back my impulsive emotions. My girlfriend eventually left the room and went into the spare room. When someone does something like that, it causes me to panic. I think they’re gonna leave. That they’re never coming back. Doesn’t make sense, I know. Sometimes people just need a little space for a while. I can rationalize that in my brain. But in that moment, my impulses take over. I can’t control my actions. In other words, I freak out. To an extreme. I started yelling things that I knew I did not mean. But I couldn’t stop myself. I went back to my room and grabbed one of my pocket knives and practically had to talk myself out of cutting into my thigh. I guess it’s a triumph that I didn’t give in to my desire to cut. Yeah, that’s great and all. But it took every ounce of energy I had to fight it. I sat there bawling my eyes out and spun the knife in my hand. The coldness of the blade felt amazing against my skin. To be honest, I have been struggling with the desire to cut for the last couple weeks. I want it so bad. What’s wrong with me? I don’t know how I kept myself from doing it. That’s not a triumph to me. That’s not a success. And the worst part about the whole thing? Fifteen minutes later we had reasoned with ourselves and were fine. Just like I knew in the back of my mind we would be. After that initial surge of emotion, I knew everything would be ok. But I can only tell myself that now looking back on it.

But what that moment did is reaffirm to me that I’m still so broken inside. I can sit here and say “Oh the meds have done wonders. My therapy is really helping. I feel great.” But really, I don’t. I’m not okay. I can still find ways to sabotage the relationships in my life. I cause the pain that my rational brain prays that I don’t have. Everything is still just a complete mess inside. The meds just numb me so that I don’t feel it. But it’s still all there. Just lurking, waiting for the opportunity to come out. I am my own worst enemy. And it’s never going to go away. People have told me that I like to play the “victim”. Or that I use my BPD as an “excuse” for my behavior. But I don’t want to be a fucking victim. I don’t want this. And I don’t use my disorder as an excuse. It just us what it is. I try so hard to be normal, but I don’t even know what that means anymore. No one understands. No one. And I don’t know how to explain it any better than I already have. I never really thought about how numb I feel. I just think that being numb is so much better than feeling too much. Because, well, it is. This is better than what I was six months ago. But I’m not better. Not even a little bit. It’s just a lie to myself. Everything is still there inside. I’m still the same person I was six months ago. Broken as ever. Fuck.

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5 responses to “last night. *caution: may be triggering*

  • Mandi

    I’ve missed you! Have checked in a few times, you didn’t write for awhile.
    Anyway, I feel similar a lot of the time. I’ll think I’ve been doing awesome, look back at previous posts and realize that I might have had a few good days but for the most part… I still do a lot of the same shit I always have! I got out of the hospital around Thanksgiving. I got out of the hospital around Thanksgiving LAST year too! Yehaw. Man I’m doing awesome. In the BIG picture though, I am better. I’m hoping that while it might seem like you’ve made no progress and are trying to be realistic about it, you are making progress. We’re going to have pretty huge crap go on for a long time. I wish there was a quick fix. Thinking of you!

    • onelove312

      Ahhh I’ve missed you so much!! Yeah I was MIA from blogging for a little bit. But I’m trying to be better about it. I know I need that release of just getting stuff out there. I have a really hard time putting into words how I’m feeling or what’s going through my head. A lot of it is just that I don’t think anyone understands and I think I sound stupid. I definitely agree with you, our path is always gonna be harder. Progress for us isn’t defined in conventional terms. I guess any day that we’re still here and we’re still trying is a success. I’m sorry you’ve been going through a rough time. I think the world of you and am always here for you. I know you already know this, but you’re never alone ❤

      • Mandi

        Thanks 🙂 Don’t worry about feeling stupid. Every time I write I say something stupid! 🙂 Sometimes it is really hard to get the thoughts out, the way you actually want them to sound. That’s why I have so many drafts!

  • Kayla

    Thanks for following my blog! 😀
    Those that say that you are using your disorder as an excuse or you’re trying to play the victim are just plain ignorant. Nobody but those who deal with disorders know what it is like. If people aren’t familiar with it then I think that it scares them and they don’t know how to act. Try and keep your head up! Know that there are people, whether you know them or not, that are there for you. I look forward to keeping up with your blog. 🙂

    • onelove312

      Thank you so much! Sometimes it’s hard to express my emotions or try and explain exactly how I’m feeling because sometimes I don’t even understand it. Or I don’t know the precise words to use and so it comes out jumbled. And people who have never had to experience it, they don’t really know how to try and understand it. I’ve been doing pretty good, but somedays are worse than others. But those were some of the exact words that I needed to hear 🙂 I look forward to keeping up with your blog as well! xo

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