phoenix.

So looking back at 2012, it was definitely a hell of a year. I don’t know if I have ever been as tested as I was this last year. Mentally, I was pretty battered. I dealt with a lot of loss. Both of other people and of myself. I lost a lot, but I also gained a lot as well. I hit rock bottom. I fought my way back. There is still a lot of me that is broken, but I continue to try to live just day to day. The scars are continuing to heal and fade. Hopefully this summer they will be healed enough so that I can get a tattoo over them. I have nothing against tattoos, as you can see from the pics I’ve posted of my better half, she has multiple tattoos including one across her neck. But I have just never gotten any myself. I guess part of it is that I don’t want to get a tattoo just to get one. Something that I like now, but 20 years from now I may hate. But now, there is something that I can’t wait to get. I am going to cover my scars with a tattoo of a phoenix. The mythological bird has always sort of captivated me. The idea of rising from the ashes and creating something new. Like a new beginning for myself built upon the ashes of my past. I really dig it. My friend is an amazing artist and is drawing the tattoo for me. I just have to wait a little while longer until the scars are further healed. I can’t wait. It’s definitely going to be a big thing for me in 2013 since it’ll be my first tattoo, plus it’ll be across my entire forearm so everyone will be able to see it. I’ve spent the last eight months trying to hide my arm; hide my scars the best I could. But I don’t want to hide anything anymore. I want people to know. I have regrets, but I want this to represent the rock bottom on which I have built a better life for myself. I refuse to be defined by anything, let alone my past. I do not want to cover my scars with a tattoo to hide them. Instead I want them to become something beautiful. I do not want them to just represent the ugliest part of me, or the darkest moment of my life. I want people to see how far I’ve come. And how far I still want to go. I am a phoenix. I break down. I crash and burn. I lose. I fail. But every time, I start over again. Not an entirely new person, but a new version of myself. I need that constant reminder of where I have been so that I can never forget how far I have come and where I could have been if I had made different choices.

So, what do you all think about my idea for the tattoo? Feel free to be honest! I really do just want some feedback.

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