walking contradiction.

“When you go through the valley. And shadow comes down from the hill. If morning never comes to be. Be still, be still, be still. If you forget the way to go. And lose where you came from. If no one is standing beside you. Be still and know I am.”

“But I will hold on hope. And I won’t let you choke. On the noose around your neck. And I’ll find strength in pain. And I will change my ways. I’ll know my name as it’s called again…So make your sirens call. And sing all you want. I will not hear what you have to say. Cause I need freedom now. And I need to know how to live my life as it’s meant to be.”

Lyrics to my life. Music is my escape. The beat that can put words to my emotions like nothing else can. I am a laid back personality type trapped in the broken life of a person suffering from borderline personality disorder. For most aspects of my life, I take trials and failure with a grain of salt. I try to take the high road in dealing with people. I have never sought to be immature when faced with difficult situations. When my ex left me with just a note on the computer, never returning to discuss the end of our relationship, I never exploded in anger. I never sent passive-aggressive texts. I never sought to fight for my honor as most of my family wanted me to. I never called her out on all of her lies. I simply let her walk. I let her go. In the majority of my life, I am the calm one. The one who sits in the background and enjoys good conversation. I like talking about the difficult topics that most people avoid. Religion. Politics. I try to understand differing points of view so that I can better understand my view on things. I change. I have been changed by factors that I cannot control. I seek to make my life better. I am a happy person with one of the most laidback attitudes you will ever meet. I am a walking contradiction. I view my world through a lens of my own making. When faced with rejection, even if it is a faction that I have created in my own mind, I break. I fight. I burst out in irrational rage. I survive with an unlimited amount of guilt. I fight to take it all back. I am impulsive. I can be responsible. I can be wreckless. I try to keep everything inside of me so that I can keep those dark parts of me hidden. I fail. I wear my heart on my sleeve. At the core, I don’t know who I am. Or what I am intended to be. I try to be what I want to be. But BPD changes me in ways that I will never be able to fully understand. Or change. I react differently than anyone else I know. I have studied my disorder. I have studied myself. I self-reflect every second of my day. But I will never be able to truly understand what I am made of. What resides in the core of me. I am an enigma wrapped in a mystery. A lost soul wandering in the dark. I am laidback. I am impulsive. I am happy. I pretend to be happy. I care too much. I don’t care enough. I am a good person. I am what I want the world to think I am. A walking contradiction.

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