scared.

Five years ago, I made the decision to move back to my hometown. I never imagined that I would ever do that. But in a six month time period my mom was diagnosed with diabetes and breast cancer. I knew I needed to be closer to my parents, especially being an only child. I wanted to be here for support and love. At the time, we didn’t know how advanced the cancer was or what further testing would reveal. So I moved back. I knew I had to. Luckily, they had caught the cancer very early on. My mom needed surgery and radiation treatments, but no chemo. I cannot even begin to explain the relief that I felt. While my mom and I have had a tumultuous relationship, I love her to death. I would be lost if I were ever to lose her. I know someday that will happen, but I didn’t want that “someday” to be today or anytime soon. She is now cancer-free and her diabetes is managed by medication and a healthier diet.

Two days ago my fiance went to the doctor for the first time in a while. Over the past six months she has had mysterious headaches that only affect one portion of her head. And along with the headaches sometimes comes a tremor in her hand. I’m scared. Terrified would be a better term for it. Her doctor has referred her to a neurologist. He said it could be something as simple as severe tension or even just a slight blockage in one of her veins. But still. I am always scared that something is going to happen to the people in my life. I live with the constant fear. I was scared enough when my mom went through everything with the cancer. Even though we learned early on that she was just Stage 1, I was miserable. To be honest, I am still scared about it that it will come back one day. But now, what if something happens to my fiance? What if it’s a brain tumor or something. I don’t want anything to happen to her. I can’t have anything happen to her. I don’t know if I could handle it. Actually I’m pretty sure I couldn’t handle it. Loss or trials are hard to handle even without a mental disorder. But with one, it would be ten times worse. I know what I went through when my grandma died. And what I am still feeling and going through because of it. I couldn’t handle it if it was her. I just couldn’t. I am trying not to freak out because we don’t even know anything yet. She drank a lot of red bulls daily up until a couple weeks ago so maybe it has something to do with that. Or maybe it’s just severe tension headaches. Or. She already has symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis so maybe it’s something with that. Plus she has acute scoliosis in her back so….maybe everything together is creating the headaches and tremor and stuff?? I don’t know. I really am trying not to freak out until we actually get news that it’s something serious that I have a reason to freak out about. But I can’t help it! Everything inside of me is already thinking it’s going to be something serious and fatal. I’m trying my hardest not to let the anxiety overtake me and have me have a complete breakdown and panic attack. I’m trying. But fuck. I’m scared. I’m scared of losing her. I’m scared it’s something that I can’t fix for her. I’m so scared.

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3 responses to “scared.

  • Mandi

    I pushed the “like” button even though I don’t like this cus people do that on my blog. I have this internal battle every time. To “like” or not to “like”. Just so you know I don’t like, but pushed like for other reasons. Or something like that.

    I don’t blame you at all for having extreme fear. As you said, even without a mental illness, it’s scary. BPD magnifies it for sure. If you’re like me nothing I tell you is going to help. Do you know when she’s going to the neurologist? Hopefully she can get an appointment ASAP.

    Will be thinking about you both!!

    • onelove312

      Thank you! Ahhh your friendship means so much to me. We haven’t got a date for her to see the neurologist yet. It’s hard because she doesn’t have insurance, but for January she was able to get covered under her mom. Just for this month though. So we’re trying to fit everything in. If the neurologist isn’t able to see her in the next couple of weeks though then we’re gonna have to figure something else out. She’s just so scared. And I am too, but I’m trying to stay strong for her. I know that’s the person that I need to be for her. But inside, I feel like I’m breaking because I’m terrified of what the future could hold.

      • Mandi

        Just talking about how you really feel here is good, denying that you feel anything and actually believing it… not good.

        If you tell them about the insurance I bet they’ll do everything in their power to get her in. If they don’t, call the doctor that referred her. You know how people with BPD are slammed for being manipulative? I consider it a work of art. Talk your way through the system. I saw this test that showed that people with BPD pick up on moods way faster than boring people. 🙂 Use that to your advantage. If the person is really nice, you’re really nice, you’re desperate and extremely worried and sad. If the person is a jackass, being straight up usually works. Except telling him/her that they are a jackass. Leave that part out. I’ve said “here’s the deal” more times than I can count. People like that usually appreciate the short upfront version and love being asked if they can help. Giving them the power sucks, but you get what you want. Call a lot. THIS is a GOOD form of manipulation. It’s about getting done what needs to be done and not hurting anyone else in the process.

        Like I said, denying that you have any feelings about it is NOT good. But I think you’re right in being strong on the outside. I find that in THESE moments, when time is of the essence, concentrate on fighting. That’s the best support you can be.

        Good luck friend, I truly believe that this is going to be ok.

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