Last night, as I was standing in my bedroom, I had a realization. It hit me with the force of a punch and brought tears to my eyes. But it was nothing but good. And pure. As I was standing there, surrounded by everything that I have worked so hard to attain, I had the realization that I have truly been blessed in this life. For just a second, I took all of it in, and I realized that I have everything in this life that I have ever wanted. For so long, it was never enough. I always felt as if there was something missing. Some piece that I couldn’t figure out. I work at a job that I hate, but it has given me the opportunity to own a house. I own a car, pink slip in hand, that always gets me from point A to point B. I have a loving family that continues to support me and be there for anything that I may need. I have had all of these things for a long time, but it never felt complete. And as I stood there looking around, I realized that what brought everything together and made me feel complete was the addition of my fiancé into my life. She made this house into a home. She made my daily life into a fairy tale. She was that missing piece of the puzzle that brought it all together to give me that feeling of satisfaction. I had a relationship before. I was in that relationship when I bought the house. When my car got paid off. When I paid off my debt. But it was a broken relationship that made everything in my life feel just as broken. But when I met my fiancé, it all changed. I was at a place in my life where I could follow one of two paths. The first path, I could’ve continued to deteriorate, to drink, to do drugs, and I probably would’ve been dead within a year. The second path would be to fix myself. To fix my life. To mold it into what I had always wanted. The second path seemed too hard. Too covered and hidden that I didn’t even know where to find it. But when my fiancé entered my life, that second path that once seemed so unattainable, became my only choice. It became very clear to me that this life was worth holding onto. I already had stability in my life in the sense that I never had to worry about money or where I was going to sleep that night or what I was going to eat. But my fiancé brought me emotional stability. She brought me to a place in which I feel fully supported for the first time. It allows me to appreciate everything in my life in a light that I never was able to experience before. So as I had that realization, I also knew that I needed to put something else out there. There is a national debate currently going on regarding gay marriage. Some states have decided that gay marriage should be legal. Other states have amended their constitution to make gay marriage illegal. Every state has a different viewpoint. Just as every person has a different viewpoint as well. So with that, I need to write this so that people can see into my life. My life not only as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. But also my life as a gay individual.
You see, my life is not much different than yours. My fiancé and I live a relatively normal life. Most people who are against gay marriage don’t understand that. They believe that we live this entire life of sin and horrible acts. So to those who believe that, I say this:
I am no different than you. My relationship is no different than your own.
My fiancé tells me to take out the trash. She tells me when I do not wash the dishes to her satisfaction. She lets me know when I missed a spot when I was cleaning. She has molded our house into a home with picture frames and other wall decorations. She likes things to be as clean as possible (I have also found that having a clean house is something I truly enjoy as well, plus it decreases my anxiety). She does our laundry and tells me when I did not put dirty clothes in the correct basket. We argue about minor details of our life, and then make up moments later. She wakes up in the morning to make me breakfast so that I start my day out right, even though she doesn’t have to be at work for hours after me. She wakes up when it is 5* outside just so she can go turn my car on for me so it can warm up before I have to leave. She takes care of me when I am sick. She makes sure that I do not eat anything that will hurt my stomach (I have gastroesophageal reflux disease and so I cannot eat certain things). She holds me when I cry, even though she hates tears. She listens when I have something that I need to get out. She forces me to communicate the feelings inside of me so that it can help me and also our relationship. When she does not work, she cleans while I am at work and makes sure I come home to a hot dinner. She works long days just so that she can make sure we have enough money in our account. She tells me her stories and opens up her life to me, as I do with her. She wants me to make sure I spend time with my friends. She sits in the cold and windy rain during my softball games, just so I can know that she supports me and is there to cheer me on. She handles my parents with grace, which is not always an easy task. She strives to make sure that everyone in her life, especially me, are happy and taken care of. You see, in every sense of the word, she is my wife. My partner in this life. We are the same as every straight couple I know.
Tonight we are going to an event to help feed the homeless. We will be bringing a dish that will be served and we will stand in the cold for a couple hours to make sure that every single person that is hungry will have a plate of food. The people that will come to us do not care that we are gay. The clothes donations that we will be taking with us will not be turned away just because they were once worn by a lesbian. The people that we will encounter tonight will only see us for what we truly are, fellow humans. At my work, the clients on my cases do not care who I go home to at night. They do not care that I do not wear dresses or skirts. They could care less that I plan to marry a woman and have already put a ring on her finger to symbolize my commitment to her. They see me as someone that can help them and that is what they need me to do for them. They see me as a person, which is what I am. I am saying all of these things because this is the truth of it, I am just a person. My fiancé is as well. Our relationship does not impact anyone else’s life. Our love does not matter to anyone that we encounter in our daily life. Our life is just like yours. Denying me the right to marry the love of my life will not affect me. I will continue to love who I want to love. Perhaps you are just jealous of what I have. That my commitment goes beyond any piece of paper. Or maybe you just think that you are better than me. Either way, if you ever truly needed me, you would take my help. I know you would. And that is okay. Because I will continue to offer it whether you believe in my love or not. But just so you know, I’m just like you. My home life is just like yours. My daily life is just like yours. And if you ever doubt that or try to think differently, read this again. I will still be here. Thanks to the woman who saved me. Who showed me what unconditional love is. Our love is real, whether you believe in it or not. I am just like you.