letter to a nation.

ImageLast night, as I was standing in my bedroom, I had a realization.  It hit me with the force of a punch and brought tears to my eyes.  But it was nothing but good.  And pure.  As I was standing there, surrounded by everything that I have worked so hard to attain, I had the realization that I have truly been blessed in this life.  For just a second, I took all of it in, and I realized that I have everything in this life that I have ever wanted.  For so long, it was never enough.  I always felt as if there was something missing.  Some piece that I couldn’t figure out.  I work at a job that I hate, but it has given me the opportunity to own a house.  I own a car, pink slip in hand, that always gets me from point A to point B.  I have a loving family that continues to support me and be there for anything that I may need.  I have had all of these things for a long time, but it never felt complete.  And as I stood there looking around, I realized that what brought everything together and made me feel complete was the addition of my fiancé into my life.  She made this house into a home.  She made my daily life into a fairy tale.  She was that missing piece of the puzzle that brought it all together to give me that feeling of satisfaction.  I had a relationship before.  I was in that relationship when I bought the house.  When my car got paid off.  When I paid off my debt.  But it was a broken relationship that made everything in my life feel just as broken.  But when I met my fiancé, it all changed.  I was at a place in my life where I could follow one of two paths.  The first path, I could’ve continued to deteriorate, to drink, to do drugs, and I probably would’ve been dead within a year.  The second path would be to fix myself.  To fix my life.  To mold it into what I had always wanted.  The second path seemed too hard.  Too covered and hidden that I didn’t even know where to find it.  But when my fiancé entered my life, that second path that once seemed so unattainable, became my only choice.  It became very clear to me that this life was worth holding onto.  I already had stability in my life in the sense that I never had to worry about money or where I was going to sleep that night or what I was going to eat.  But my fiancé brought me emotional stability.  She brought me to a place in which I feel fully supported for the first time.  It allows me to appreciate everything in my life in a light that I never was able to experience before.  So as I had that realization, I also knew that I needed to put something else out there.  There is a national debate currently going on regarding gay marriage.  Some states have decided that gay marriage should be legal.  Other states have amended their constitution to make gay marriage illegal.  Every state has a different viewpoint.  Just as every person has a different viewpoint as well.  So with that, I need to write this so that people can see into my life.  My life not only as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.  But also my life as a gay individual.

You see, my life is not much different than yours.  My fiancé and I live a relatively normal life.  Most people who are against gay marriage don’t understand that.  They believe that we live this entire life of sin and horrible acts.  So to those who believe that, I say this:

I am no different than you.  My relationship is no different than your own. 

My fiancé tells me to take out the trash.  She tells me when I do not wash the dishes to her satisfaction.  She lets me know when I missed a spot when I was cleaning.  She has molded our house into a home with picture frames and other wall decorations.  She likes things to be as clean as possible (I have also found that having a clean house is something I truly enjoy as well, plus it decreases my anxiety).  She does our laundry and tells me when I did not put dirty clothes in the correct basket.  We argue about minor details of our life, and then make up moments later.  She wakes up in the morning to make me breakfast so that I start my day out right, even though she doesn’t have to be at work for hours after me.  She wakes up when it is 5* outside just so she can go turn my car on for me so it can warm up before I have to leave.  She takes care of me when I am sick.  She makes sure that I do not eat anything that will hurt my stomach (I have gastroesophageal reflux disease and so I cannot eat certain things).  She holds me when I cry, even though she hates tears.  She listens when I have something that I need to get out.  She forces me to communicate the feelings inside of me so that it can help me and also our relationship.  When she does not work, she cleans while I am at work and makes sure I come home to a hot dinner.  She works long days just so that she can make sure we have enough money in our account.  She tells me her stories and opens up her life to me, as I do with her.  She wants me to make sure I spend time with my friends.  She sits in the cold and windy rain during my softball games, just so I can know that she supports me and is there to cheer me on.  She handles my parents with grace, which is not always an easy task.  She strives to make sure that everyone in her life, especially me, are happy and taken care of.  You see, in every sense of the word, she is my wife.  My partner in this life.  We are the same as every straight couple I know.

Tonight we are going to an event to help feed the homeless.  We will be bringing a dish that will be served and we will stand in the cold for a couple hours to make sure that every single person that is hungry will have a plate of food.  The people that will come to us do not care that we are gay.  The clothes donations that we will be taking with us will not be turned away just because they were once worn by a lesbian.  The people that we will encounter tonight will only see us for what we truly are, fellow humans.  At my work, the clients on my cases do not care who I go home to at night.  They do not care that I do not wear dresses or skirts.  They could care less that I plan to marry a woman and have already put a ring on her finger to symbolize my commitment to her.  They see me as someone that can help them and that is what they need me to do for them.  They see me as a person, which is what I am.  I am saying all of these things because this is the truth of it, I am just a person.  My fiancé is as well.  Our relationship does not impact anyone else’s life.  Our love does not matter to anyone that we encounter in our daily life.  Our life is just like yours.  Denying me the right to marry the love of my life will not affect me.  I will continue to love who I want to love.  Perhaps you are just jealous of what I have.  That my commitment goes beyond any piece of paper.  Or maybe you just think that you are better than me.  Either way, if you ever truly needed me, you would take my help.  I know you would.  And that is okay.  Because I will continue to offer it whether you believe in my love or not.  But just so you know, I’m just like you.  My home life is just like yours.  My daily life is just like yours.  And if you ever doubt that or try to think differently, read this again.  I will still be here. Thanks to the woman who saved me. Who showed me what unconditional love is. Our love is real, whether you believe in it or not. I am just like you.


4 responses to “letter to a nation.

  • How Things Change « The Velvet Closet of a Lesbian

    […] letter to a nation. (journeytotheordinary.wordpress.com) […]

  • Crazy Jay - The Ultimate Chameleon: "A spark of genius quenched in misery."

    ok.. I am going to take a BIG risk here so I am hoping that you will be forgiving.

    Full Disclosure: I am a conservative leaning Constitutional-Libertarian with significant “christian” foundations. I put “christian” in quote/no caps because I think traditional DOGMA kills more wounded than it saves.

    Politically, the argument against “gay marriage” has been born from social conservativism based in the concept of “the family.” I have agreed with that position. I am rethinking it, though.

    I have always supported the idea of “civil unions” because, as you so well put, a committed relationship is a committed relationship, no matter how it looks to someone else. People can look at all the “snapshots” they want but only you and your fiancee can see the REAL INSIDES. Meg and I have felt the sharp end of that stick as well. If people are committed, it should be respected.

    Honestly, I was a bit subject to Stale Thinking. The Conservative argument against gay marriage for the sake of “preserving the family” was accurate….50 years ago. What defines “family” now?

    So, with The Family Unit being redefined, which is more productive: Continuing to defend a structure that no longer exists of adapting to current thought?

    I don’t often take to well to “adapting to current thought.” Sometimes… most times…it seems more of a convenient way to get out of “convictions.” However,this question, at this point, is not MORAL but POLITICAL and, in that case, CONSISTENCY for consistency’s sake is foolish.

    Now…MORALLY? That’s a whole different story, eh? How about this? To all those “good christians” who think your life is sin and you are horrible because of it… throw this back at them…”Judge not lest ye be judged”..or maybe reminding them that they will be weighed with the same measure with which they weigh others.

    PEOPLE came up with FELONIES and misdemeanors. GOD just sees TRANSGRESSION. The definition of “sin,” by the way, is “missing the mark. So, when these IDIOTS disregard the commitment you have, aren’t those same Goody-goodies being JUDGMENTAL?

    so…do you hear that I agree in the validity of your relationship and that i am not being judgmental? I hope so.

    My only question would be from a CONSTITUTIONAL perspective. Do you believe that, in accordance with the 10th Amendment, since “marriage” is not a power given to the Federal government, each state should have the ability to decide for itself?

    If this seems in any way attacking, provocative or disrespectful, I apologize. I thought your essay was thought provoking and I wanted to respond.

    • onelove312

      I wanna start out by saying that I do not find your post offensive at all. I appreciate what you had to say and the fact that you took the time to say it.

      I live my life with the ideal that I do not want to force my personal choices on others. I am an open book. If you want to know something about me, then I have no problem with you asking. Whether that be about my mental disorder, my sexual orientation, my religious beliefs, my political viewpoints, or whatever other component of my life that you would like to know about. I value discussions because I want people to know what it is like to step in my shoes. I will never push my viewpoints on others because I believe that everyone is free to have their own point of view. Even if you do not agree with my opinion or how I live my life, I believe in your freedom to have that viewpoint. And I would much rather have someone discuss with me things about me that they may disagree with then to just push off my lifestyle and never try to understand. I want people to know that I am just a person. And maybe, just maybe, if you actually get to know me or know how I view the world, then it will help you understand just a little bit better.

      My best friend’s ex-husband had never met a gay person before me. He grew up in a small town in Montana and needless to say, he grew up fairly close minded. During our first meeting, I could tell that he was uncomfortable and didn’t really know how to act around me. But I continued to just be myself and be as open as possible for him. In minutes he began to see that I was just another person. That I wasn’t “different” or something to be scared of. Eventually he started to ask questions. He wanted to know me and my lifestyle better. I amazed him with my openness and my willingness to discuss everything about me. We spent about an hour just talking about my sexual orientation. He told me all of the things that he had always grown up believing about “gays”. I never threw my viewpoints in his face or judged him for the beliefs that he once held. I just wanted him to get to know me for the person that I am. After our talk, he told me that I had completely changed his viewpoint on homosexuals. By just being myself, I allowed him to see, for the first time in his life, that I was no different than him. That who I chose to give my love to did not affect me as a person or my friendships that I have with people. I do not throw rainbow flags around. Or make out with my fiance in front of people just to make them uncomfortable. I don’t feel the need to throw my sexual orientation in other people’s faces to force them to believe in my love. I want to be equal. Not better. Not worse. Just equal. I don’t see straight people throwing their sexual orientation into everyone’s face, so why should I? It’s just a part of who I am. A very small part. It doesn’t define who I am as a person. Just as being straight does not define you. And that’s all that I want people to see.

      I am a bit of an enigma in that I am actually pretty conservative in terms of fiscal issues. Of course I am pretty liberal when it comes to social issues. But overall, I am more conservative in my viewpoints than most. I am also a fairly religious person. I grew up Catholic and went to catholic school through the 6th grade. I also went to a Christian college. Most people tend to automatically think that because I am gay, I am irresponsibly liberal in my political viewpoints and that I don’t believe in God or any sort of Christian values. But those people, well to put it kindly, they’re wrong. I know what I believe in and the reason that I believe in it. I do not think that who I give my love to should damn me to an eternity in hell or that I should not be allowed to have a faith. I believe that God wanted us to love and take care of one another. I not only believe that, but I live that. I try to be the best person that I can be. Even to those who hate me, who can’t tolerate me, or who believe that I am evil incarnate. They may judge me until the end. But it does not mean that I will ever judge them for their intolerance. And as you stated, people also use the defense of “family” when it comes to an argument against gay marriage. But I think most people have lost sight of what “family” truly means. A “family” should be people who love each other unconditionally and take care of each other. Being gay does not stop me from doing that. No, my fiance cannot impregnate me, but that does not mean that I would not be an amazing mother if given the chance. There are too many children out there who live in broken homes and never receive the love and nurturing that they deserve. And that does not come from living in a “gay” home. That comes from living in a “straight” one. I can love a child better than most people I know, gay or straight. And the family that I could create would be just as good as the amazing straight couples out there. Believing that I would be a “bad influence” does not change the reality that I am a loving human being. What people think I am or will be, is completely separate from what I truly am.

      I do believe that each state should be given the choice to choose for themselves what the definition of marriage should be. Because the belief of each state is different. The belief of the people within each state is different. Some states are more conservative and close-minded in their viewpoints. Other states are more liberal and open-minded. The state that I currently live in has not passed the bill to legalize gay marriages. For $50 we can sign a piece of paper and have a “domestic partnership”. But either way, a piece of paper does not make our commitment any more official than our love alone does. We will be going to a state where gay marriage is legal just so we can say that we did it. Even if it is not recognized in our own state, at least we know that somewhere in this country of ours, our commitment to each other is recognized. What I do find funny though is that even though gay marriage is not legal in our state, prostitution and gambling is. People want to make all these claims against my commitment to the woman I love. Making those statements on their way to visit the brothel or casino. Makes me laugh. But yet, that’s the world that we live in. Hopefully soon people can start opening their eyes and seeing that my relationship is not what’s wrong with the world. Continuing to hate each other for no real reason is.

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