mess.

Ugh. I am such a mess right now. I can’t stop crying. L and I have been fighting lately, but I don’t really think it’s anything with our relationship. It’s over minor things that just blow up. We’re both stressed out and I think it’s just taking it’s toll on both of us emotionally. We’re stressed out about money. We haven’t been able to save as much as we want and we’ve had to put a lot of money into her car and we’re still not done with it. Vanessa and Todd are moving out at the end of this month and it makes both of us unbelievably sad. It would be one thing if they were just moving into an apt or something in town and we knew we could still visit whenever. But they’re moving out of state. Lucina has always been close to her sister, but they’ve grown even closer over the past 7 months that we’ve shared a home with them. I’ve grown really close with both Vanessa and Todd and also grown extremely attached to Audrey. It breaks my heart to think about them no longer being in our home. Even if I had a bad day, I knew I could go home to Audrey’s happy little face and she would make it all away. And it breaks me to think that I will no longer have that. Both L and I tried hard to not get too attached to her because we knew this day would eventually come, but we failed. It was hard not to fall head over heels in love with her since we’ve been there since she was still inside Vanessa’s stomach. We are as much a part of Audrey’s life as her parents are. She knows our voices as well as she knows theirs. When she is upset she will cling to us and her cries will calm down and she loves to fall asleep in my arms. To say that I will miss her is a vast understatement. Tomorrow L also has her appointment with her neurologist. I’ve been trying so hard to be strong for her because she is terrified. But the truth is, I’m just as terrified. I’m so scared that they will find something and this woman that I love with all my heart will be ripped from me. I can’t lose another person. I just can’t. And I know that’s a dramatic statement when we still don’t even know if there’s anything seriously wrong. But it’s the truth. I’m so scared. And I feel so lost right now. I can’t stop crying. I feel like I wanna jump right out of my skin. I’m sitting here at work and I feel like the whole world is just collapsing down. I feel like I can’t breathe.

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