So I have an unwritten rule when it comes to my blog. I don’t let anyone that I know personally in my life read this blog. Previously, the only person that even knew I had a blog was Lucina, but she never read any of it. And I made that rule from the beginning, not because I am ashamed of what I write on here, I am actually quite proud of what I write and what I am able to communicate that I would usually just keep inside. But I made the rule because I knew that if I knew that people were reading this blog, then I would think that they would judge me or respond in some way. And it would affect what I would write. I started this as a direct window into my broken mind and I never wanted to feel like I had to be censored in any way by what I wanted to write. I wanted this to be a safe haven where I could, for the first time, release everything that was inside of me. All of the ugliness could be seen in the light so that, hopefully, it would no longer fester inside of me and make me worse. Well. Yesterday I broke my rule. I not only told Destiny (who I talked a lot about in the post “story to tell.”) about this blog, but I also allowed her to read it. I asked her if she wanted to make her own post on the blog about her point of view on everything, because she does have her own story to tell in regards to what has happened and what happened that night in San Francisco, and she said that she would love to. I’ve never read a blog where we got to see another person’s point of view. We can tell our own stories and release whatever is hidden within us. But for every story that we have, there is another side of it that can be told by the person that was affected by whatever happened. They too have a story. And it is as important as our own. I have no false ideations that it will be easy to read whatever it is she is going to write. It will be difficult and hurt. I will know the true extent of my actions and the negative impact that I had on someone else’s life. Someone that I never intended to hurt. But hopefully, this will add some dimension to what I write about. I will be forced to deal with the consequences of some of my actions and maybe, just maybe, that is one way to find healing with BPD. I am not alone in this fight. I am not alone in this journey. And for the first time, I will know what it is to be on the oustide looking in. I think that is something that every one of us needs to know at some point. That we are not the only ones impacted. I am not the only one that suffers. It’s not pleasant. It’s not an easy thought. But it is reality. And just another step on the journey.
February 15, 2013