I have been numb for a couple of days now. There has been a lot going on in the past couple of weeks and I think that the full weight of it has finally broken upon me. My emotions have retreated into the darkest recesses of me in a feeble attempt at keeping me whole. I am numb because the weight of my emotions, the substance of them, would be too much. I think right now what is weighing most on my mind is that we are going to have to say goodbye to Todd, Vanessa, and Audrey in a couple of days. The impact of that, I still can’t deal with. Just yesterday they began packing their things. Last night, when I got home for work, they weren’t there. It was just Lucina and I. And I stood in our bedroom and looked into the hallway and loft that separated our bedroom from theirs, I no longer saw the emptiness that was once there. It was filled with boxes and pictures. Audrey’s baby clothes tied up in plastic garbage bags. And the weight of what is going to happen fell on me. The true impact of what their leaving will do fell on me and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The house felt so empty. Even though there was still Lucina and our animals, it was so empty. The quietness was so still that it was unnerving. I realized how much I am going to miss them. How much they have meant to me. And how much they added in order to make the house a home. Even though we would still spend nights within our own rooms, and I could go an entire night without seeing them or talking to them. I could feel their presence and the house still felt complete. And last night I got the first glimpse of what their absence is going to feel like. I have been with Audrey, every single day, since she was the size of an orange within Vanessa’s stomach. How do you say goodbye to that? How do I say goodbye to her? I have felt her first kicks within Vanessa’s stomach. I was there her first night home from the hospital. I held her on the length of my forearm and rocked her until she fell asleep in those first weeks. I have watched her smile for the first time. I have watched her roll over for the first time. I have spent moments tending to her cries. And I have relished in the light of her little smiling face. How do you say goodbye to that? Everything that we have gone through together. The memories that now seem to have passed too fast. I don’t know how to say goodbye to that. I don’t want to say goodbye to that. But I have no choice. I know that they have to do what is best for them and we will always support them in any way that we need. But that first night, when the silence has it’s own echo, I don’t know if I can do it. I miss them and they are not even gone yet. My heart is breaking at the thought of the goodbyes that we haven’t even been able to say yet.
February 20, 2013