Well, they are gone. Over the weekend we packed all of Vanessa, Todd and Audrey’s belongings into their car and a truck and moved them to another state. Lucina and I got back to our house yesterday. It’s so empty. So lonely feeling. We still have each other, but it’s like one whole piece of us is now missing. Immediately when we got home we got to work cleaning and organizing the empty rooms that were once occupied with so many things and memories. What used to be Audrey’s room, so full of love and life, is now an office/art room. The pictures of her little smiling face that once filled the walls are now gone. We found one of her bottles and a toy in our room. It broke my heart. When I had to say goodbye to her, I couldn’t even stop the tears from streaming down my face. She was half ours. We were there from her first kick in Vanessa’s stomach and it was like we had a baby and now have nothing. I held her and kissed every day since the first day that she entered this world. Every single day. For four months. And now, I don’t even know when I will see her next. I feel empty. And I had no choice in the matter. I tried so hard to not get attached. But I couldn’t help it. I fell in love with her from the beginning and now I will no longer be able to hold her and love her when I get home from work. I miss her so much that it is hard to even comprehend or explain the feelings. I know she was not ours. I know that Vanessa and Todd have to determine their own life path. But. I just wish we had had more time to spend with them. We were our own little family. Created through moments spent together during times when not much else was certain. But we had each other. And we all lived in that life for the better part of a year. And we all figured out together what it is like to bring a baby into a world and those initial months of figuring out how to raise and take care of a newborn. And now. Now, it’s just all gone. It’s empty. I feel empty without them.
February 26, 2013