reflections.

It’s been a while since I have blogged.  The last couple of months have been, well, trying to say the least.  My girlfriend and I have been struggling with a lot of difficulties.  She suffers from mental disorders as well, but since she does not currently have health insurance it has been hard to ensure that she remains on her meds.  There was a time when she was not on everything and I almost didn’t make it through that.  I had a brief glimpse into what it must have been like to be around me before I was on my meds.  And good lord, I don’t know how anyone has stood by me after having to deal with that.  We are different in our symptoms and the way that we approach things.  But I have a deeper respect and admiration for the few people who have never left my side. 

We are through the roughest patch.  At least I hope we are.  And we are currently doing well.  I have decided to take it one day at a time, which I think is all I can really do.  One of the best things that has happened is that all of this has changed me as a person.  For the better.  I now understand how I affect those around me.  WIth my words.  With the words I don’t say, but are written across my face as if I had said them all.  I have always known that I wear my heart on my sleeve.  But I wear every other emotion there as well.  I have had to re-evaluate what is important in my life.  What I want to give effort to and what I need to let go of in order to become the person that I want to be.  The last year has been one of the biggest struggles of my life.  But I have learned more about myself as a person in the last couple of months then the entire last year combined.  

April 27th was the one year anniversary of my suicide attempt.  The weeks leading up to that date shook me to my very core.  I found myself thinking about everything that happened prior to the attempt.  And everything that has come after.  On the anniversary I was at a softball tournament, playing with the new friends that I have become close to in the past year.  I could not have thought of a better place for me.  The majority of them have no idea of what I am.  Of the damage that I can do to myself.  But I find solace in their company.  They see me for what I want to be.  Not everything bad inside of me that I battle.  But instead they see the good parts.  And I never knew how badly I needed that.  

I still do not know where this journey will lead.  A month from now I do not know where I will be or what will be going on.  But I am finding comfort in living in the now.  Which is something that I have never been able to do previously.  And for that I am happy.  Because my now is a pretty good place to be.  Maybe it will not always be that way.  I know that.  I have lived that.  I know how quickly things can spiral.  How a snowball can become an avalanche in the blink of an eye.  But for now, I will choose to live in this reality that I have worked so hard to create.  And I am happy.  Content in myself and what I am working to become.  One year ago I never thought that I would live to see this date.  And now, I cannot imagine not being able to celebrate again one year from now.  

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