tainted.

So.  I’m feeling, weird.  It’s like I’m numb.  But not the bad kind of numb.  If there is a difference between a “bad” numb and an “ok” numb.  I just feel like I don’t care about anything.  I mean.  I care.  But not really.  Friendships, I don’t know what to do with them anymore.  For the last year I have struggled and put so much effort into forming new friendships.  I mentioned in an earlier post everything that had happened with the friendships that I had prior to the suicide attempt.  The ones that broke me down to pieces.  I still don’t talk to any of them.  It still hurts when I think about it.  But I’ve found as much peace about it as I think I will ever get.  I still believe it is the best decision for me if I keep my distance from them.  But then I see pictures of those people hanging out with their other friends and, they’re so, “happy”.  I don’t understand.  Other people don’t seem to have any of the issues that I had in those friendships.  They get the best of them.  While I always seemed to get the worst.  So what it leads me to believe is, maybe it was just me.  Maybe I was the problem instead of them.  Maybe I was the one that caused them to act how they did.  To do the things that they did.  I brought the worst out in them.  I did that.  Now for the last year I have put so much effort into forming new friendships with people that I have met through softball.  It seems to me like I’ve tried so hard.  Text them  Called them (even though I hate talking on the the phone).  Gone to hang out with them during softball tournaments even when I wasn’t playing.  But I still feel like an outsider.  Like a pathetic person trying to form a bond when perhaps there will never be a bond to form.  Maybe I’m just babbling.  But this is how I feel.  I feel alone.  I feel like the harder I try to form a connection with people. the further away a true friendship feels.  They are acquaintances.  Not friends.  And perhaps, again, it is me.  It is me that is tainted.  And maybe all of these people can sense that.  Without even knowing my disorder or the struggles I face, it oozes off of me and causes people to keep a distance.  I am tainted.  And flawed.  Maybe I don’t deserve for people to truly care.  Or to open up themselves and allow me into their world.  Because I am the tainted one.  Maybe I bring nothing good.  Even though I see myself as a good person.  I try my hardest to make the people in my life happy.  To do what I can to be there for them and be a good friend.  But perhaps that’s all just a lie.  Maybe I am none of those things.  I’m tainted by things that I will never be able to see or sense in myself.  And maybe it is I that people need to stay away from.  Because it is I who bring nothing good into people’s lives.  It is in people’s best interests to stay away from me.  Not the other way around.  Tainted. 

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One response to “tainted.

  • Mandi

    Ughhh…. I am struggling with the same thing. I felt so much apart of a group, then I see pictures and things of them together and it’s as if I never existed. I’ve given up on making new friends right now as the therapy I’m in needs all the attention I can give it. And as you said, trying to make new friends and feeling rejected isn’t good. I don’t know if I’m numb, I might care and have tricked myself into believing I don’t. If someone doesn’t return a call or something I write them off because I don’t feel like playing “I’m going to put years into developing a relationship only to find that you’ll reject me in the long run”.

    I know you’re an amazing person and I believe that the right people will come to you. I wish we lived closer, you’re a dedicated friend who doesn’t give up just because a person has problems like what seems 90% of the population does. I’ve been able to tell you things I don’t tell anyone and know that I can trust you though we’ve never even met! You’re soooo strong, have so many good qualities. You’re not tainted and you’re worth more than you know!

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