I am lost. Sometimes I don’t even know what I am doing with my life anymore. I am struggling so much. I am mindful enough to know that I am a weak person. That is not me trying to get sympathy or to play the “victim”. It is just the simple truth. I soak up the environment around me as if I were a sponge. I feed off the things and people around me. I am hyper sensitive to every little thing in my life. I cycle through emotions and feelings like a person can revert to past memories and cycle through those. Every pain is still there. Every hurt I have ever endured is like an open wound on my heart that will never heal. I can cry about something that happened a year ago. And a moment later convince myself that all is right in the world and I am “living in the moment”. I lie to myself as an act of self-preservation. If I could not perform that task then I am honest when I say that I don’t think I would survive long. As a way to shield my own heart and mind from the imbalance of chemicals in my brain I self-reflect on my emotions every second of the day. Every moment that I feel something, I reflect on what and why and where it is coming from. One very common symptom of BPD is for a person to lash out at the world around them. All the self-hate, all of the anger that ranges inside, it gets released to the world. Taken out on those closest to you. You hurt the people that you would never want to intentionally hurt. While I have the potential to be that person, most of the time I am not. Most of the time I keep everything within. This neverending cycle of emotions reflects back into myself. I am an anomaly even to myself. I feel so much that at any moment I feel like I can break. The meds hold back that tide for the most part. I am able to function and, if you were to just take a quick glance at me in passing, you would never be able to see anything wrong with me. Everything is kept inside. The emotions will show on my face. My heart is on my sleeve. But the words, they stay inside. I do not have the strength to carry the emotions of the people I care about most. I am not strong enough to carry their weight for them, even though I wish that I could. But that is not who I am as a person. I cannot even win my own battles. I am just lying to myself if I think that I can win someone else’s. But with that comes the knowledge that maybe some people would be better off without me in their life. Because I am not the friend or loved one who can lighten your load. I am not the one who can take on the world for you and never give you cause to think that everything will not turn out ok. I am the one who will cry with you. Who will feel the weight of your burden almost more than you can. Yes, I will carry your emotion, but not in a way that will be conducive to your needs. I will feel your emotions with you, but I am not able to feel them for you. I will most likely feel them more in depth than you can, without understanding how or why I can, but if I tell you it will be alright then I am only lying to you. Because I do not know that it will be alright. I doubt myself and my life every second of every day. So how could I ever be the one to save you. I cannot even save myself. Sure, I can keep it all in for a time. I can hold your hand and pray silently that I can keep it together. I can even convince myself for a time that I can be this strong person that I so badly want to be. But then all it takes is one second, and all of that is lost. Replaced with self doubt and self-hate and fear that I will never be anything more than a pathetic excuse for a human being. Because in the end, this is who I am. I am BPD. I have brief highs and even lower lows. I just have found a way to hide it well. I learned to lie to myself. So maybe some people would just be better off without me. As more time goes on it just seems that I am more of a burden than I am someone who brings something positive to your life. Emotions are an anchor on your heart. On your soul. If I feel emotion to the depths that I do and I am an endless tide of emotion, then perhaps I am an anchor as well. Maybe that is the truth in this. I do not just feel emotion. In some way, I am emotion. I am the weight of all of it. I am the anchor on your heart.
June 13, 2013
anchor on your heart.