broken pieces.

My relationship with Lucina ended months ago.  It was a bad and unhealthy relationship for a very long time.  I just didn’t want to admit that to either myself or anyone else.  She was a recovering addict when I met her.  And the initial months of our relationship, she appeared to be perfect.  And I believed in her.  But quickly, I realized that it was all a façade.  Because an addict will always be an addict.  It is just a matter of whether they want to fight the battle daily or not.  She soon became addicted to pain medication.  Towards the end, she was taking 15-20 pills a day.  For months I tried to tell her that it would be okay.  That I would help her.  And for a time, I tried to help.  I tried to take control of her pills.  But she would yell and scream and fight me.  And in the end, I always gave in.  Always.  Because that is what was easiest.  I couldn’t emotionally handle the abuse.  The person that I thought I had fallen in love with was no longer the person that was standing in front of me.  But I stayed.  I was scared of what would happen if I left.  I also know that I never want someone to walk away from me just when things get hard, so I did not want to do the same to her.  I was a fool.  We should have broken up long before we actually did.  But there began to be a change in her and eventually she came out and said that she was no longer in love with me.  Now to be honest, I had not been in love with her for quite some time.  So the revelation, while it is never easy to hear those words from someone, I understood.  And I let her go.  Our breakup was messy and damaging.  I discovered after that she had relapsed on coke while we were still together.  Even going so far as to do it in my house while I was at work.  I let her stay at my house for a couple weeks after the breakup because the BPD kicked in and I didn’t want to be alone.  I didn’t want to be left.  It was pathetic.  But it was the truth.  It eventually got to the point where I was emotionally breaking down.  She needed to go.  And one of my friends eventually told her that for me.  So she left.  And it was a horrible experience.  For another week or so she would text me and call me.  I tried to be there for her as a friend because she would always threaten to overdose or kill herself.  And for reasons that I have never explained on here but will someday, I could not have that on my conscience again and did not want that to happen to her as I did once upon a time love her as a person. 

But eventually it got to the point where I erased her from my life.  Upon doing so, it felt like a weight lifting off of me.  I felt free.  Yes, it was hard.  It was difficult being alone.  But at the same time, I felt like I could once against make my life my own.  I’ve never been good at dating.  I’ve always been a jumper and jumped from one relationship to the next.  But this time, I told myself I would do it right.  Because I really wanted to give myself time to be “me”.  So I started hanging out with friends, playing more softball, and just enjoying my life.  It was great.  I “talked” to a couple girls and hung out with them, but never took anything too serious.  Like I said, I’m not very good at the dating thing, mainly because I feel guilty if I talk to more than one person at a time.  Almost like I’m cheating on them, even though there was no level of commitment there.  But I still felt it.  But I continued on and started to enjoy the whole dating process.  Girls are crazy.  Let’s make that clear.  So my friends, who are all either married or in serious relationships, started living vicariously through me and enjoyed hearing my stories about my little dating adventures. 

Then came this girl.  This one girl.  The thing is, it was never supposed to happen.  Us meeting, us talking, none of it was supposed to happen.  But it did.  And against all of these odds, we found ourselves intrigued by each other.  With the meds that I am on, I feel numb most of the time.  And for the most part, I am ok with that.  Because I would rather feel that than feel the immensity of every emotion as I do when I am not on meds.  So numb has become my natural state.  But this girl, she made me feel.  She made me feel alive.  She made me feel.  When I wasn’t supposed to feel anything or I was supposed to feel neutral, she made me feel.  She made me feel amazing.  Now I did not know if I was ready for a commitment.  And she hates commitment and is a “runner” when she starts feeling emotions.  Plus she was planning on traveling the world so she did not want any type of serious commitment.  But even with all of that, we were feeling.  Everything was just fitting.  In ways that neither one of us thought was ever possible.  And we connected on a level that felt beyond this world.  Even now, I can’t explain it.  But it was happening.  And we both knew it.  Effortlessly, we were falling for each other.  And neither of us knew if it was real.  But what we did know was that we felt it.  

Then reality hit.  The fact that in a couple months she will be traveling the world and did not want a relationship.  The fact that I am at a point in my life where I want more and she is not at that stage in her life.  The reality that our original notions that this was not supposed to happen, was the truth.  At this time in life, we are not supposed to happen.  And so a couple of weeks ago we came to terms with that.  But I can’t stop how I feel.  See, she can.  She can turn it on and off at will.  Well me, if you know anything about BPD, I am nowhere near that.  But I don’t even know that it is truly her that I miss.  Well miss isn’t exactly the right word because she is still a huge part of my life.  I’m her best friend and know more about her than anyone in this world.  She is living with me until she leaves for her travels and we share everything.  We are each other’s family.  So it’s not that I miss her.  Because I still have her.  But what I’ve been struggling with is the loss of feeling.  Because she made me feel.  She made me feel all of those things that I thought I had forgotten how to feel.  And now I want them back.  I want to feel alive again.  I want to feel again.   I was fine before because I had forgotten what all of that felt like.  And if you don’t remember something, you can’t miss it.  But now, well now I remember.  And I want to feel.  God I hate it, but I want to feel.  And it’s killing me. 

For the last year and a half I have worked very hard to control my drinking.  Because I know the spiral it can take me down.  I know the abyss that is waiting for me if I lose control again.  But last Friday night, I lost all control.  I was impulsive and reckless.  I didn’t care.  About anyone or anything.  Now this girl, she knows everything.  And she cried and begged me never to do anything to hurt myself because she didn’t want to be without me.  While drunk, I didn’t care.  I forgot the promise that I made to her.  And I attempted to overdose on pills.  I eventually forced myself to throw them up.  But still.  The thought remains in my head.  I wanted to die.  I thought I had moved beyond that.  But it’s still there.  All of those broken pieces are still there inside of me.  Just waiting for me to lose control.  I literally wanted to die.  And it confuses me because I was so happy that day.  Even on my way to the bar where I was meeting a friend, I was rocking out in my car and had a smile on my face.  And then, everything just changed.  Just like before.  Like the last year and a half of my life has all just been a lie.  A lie to myself.  Somewhere inside of me still lie all the demons.  All the emptiness and loneliness and depression and self-hatred.  It’s all still there.  Like bad friends I wanted to get rid of.  Thought I got rid of.  But the reality?  They never went anywhere.  And now, I just feel lost.  I feel like this entire world I’ve built is all crumbling down.  I wanted to feel.  I wanted to feel alive.  And happy.  And know that I could make someone else happy.  And now, I do feel.  But I feel everything.  I am feeling every emotion to the ultimate capacity.  And I feel like I’m dying inside.  I feel alone.  So so alone.  And like maybe I will be alone forever.  Because I am always going to be this person.  And no one wants to deal with this broken person.  Not even me.

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