single.

I hate being single. My thoughts consume me at night. I am trapped within my own mind with no key to escape. I wake up every morning feeling more empty than I was the day before. It makes me feel like I’m flailing in the darkness and there is no one there to catch me. Or watch me fall. It is an intolerance for being alone. I can’t handle it. The feeling like I have no direction. Or even a path to walk along. People tell me that this is the time of self-discovery for me. When I am supposed to learn to love myself and my life. And then, and only then, will I find what will complete me. But the flaw in their grand design is that I am not like them. I do not think the way most people do. I do not feel things the way most people do. I can’t enjoy this feeling of freedom. Because it is not freedom to me. It is me being untethered. With no one to answer to but myself. It is me standing on the edge of a cliff and no one is there to stop me from jumping. It is me being able to do whatever I want, with no one to tell me not to. It is me one moment away, one decision away, from being everything I have worked so hard not to be. The impulsive and reckless monster that may not be here tomorrow. That’s not freedom. That’s a constant ache for someone to stop me. For someone to save me. From myself.

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2 responses to “single.

  • ninakay

    From one Gay BPD chick to another, it does get better (excuse the cliche). Eventually you learn how to deal with this, and it makes you stronger. For me, it taught me how to be independent and build that as a coping technique. I know it’s horrible, and very few people get it, but you are not alone… and eventually there is a light at the end of this tunnel (once again… excuse the cliche…).

    • onelove312

      Thank you so much for your comment 🙂 It’s nice to know there are other people out there listening and who understand. I do know it gets better. Even if it is cliche, it’s the truth 🙂 Just have to push forward. At least that’s what I’ve learned. Just to hang on any way I can and ride through the bad times because it will get better. At least I try and keep the hope that it does.

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