I hate being single. My thoughts consume me at night. I am trapped within my own mind with no key to escape. I wake up every morning feeling more empty than I was the day before. It makes me feel like I’m flailing in the darkness and there is no one there to catch me. Or watch me fall. It is an intolerance for being alone. I can’t handle it. The feeling like I have no direction. Or even a path to walk along. People tell me that this is the time of self-discovery for me. When I am supposed to learn to love myself and my life. And then, and only then, will I find what will complete me. But the flaw in their grand design is that I am not like them. I do not think the way most people do. I do not feel things the way most people do. I can’t enjoy this feeling of freedom. Because it is not freedom to me. It is me being untethered. With no one to answer to but myself. It is me standing on the edge of a cliff and no one is there to stop me from jumping. It is me being able to do whatever I want, with no one to tell me not to. It is me one moment away, one decision away, from being everything I have worked so hard not to be. The impulsive and reckless monster that may not be here tomorrow. That’s not freedom. That’s a constant ache for someone to stop me. For someone to save me. From myself.
January 16, 2014