what if.

So. I’ve been talking to this girl from North Carolina that I met online. Well, technically it wasn’t really “online”. Somehow, I seriously have no idea how, I found her on Instagram. Yeah, I know, no one meets on Instagram. But that’s where I found her. And on her home page she had listed her screenname for a messenger service. I was in a state of mind where I just wanted a distraction from life. I wanted to talk to someone, anyone, to get my mind off everything. So I figured what the hell, and I downloaded the messenger app and sent her a message. To be honest, I never thought she’d write back. Or even if she did, I expected us to talk for maybe a day, two days at most, and then we would both lose interest. But at the time, that’s all I wanted. Just a couple days of distraction.

Well. Here we are, two months later, and we talk constantly. There hasn’t been a single day where we haven’t talked all day. We talk on the phone every night when we get the chance, which is huge for me because I absolutely hate talking on the phone. Seriously, I hate it. I don’t do it. But I will with her. I love the sound of her voice. Okay, to be honest, I also love her southern accent, but that’s part of her voice. And before you ask, yes we have even Facetimed so I know that she’s real and I’m not being catfished. Hey, in this day and age, you never know! But no, this girl is real. And I can’t lie, I feel an awful lot for her. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing though given that I’ve never met her in person. We don’t have a set date yet to meet, but we both know it needs to be soon. Feeling as much as we do for each other, we need to see each other and find out if it truly is real or not.

The only thing that scares me though is that she doesn’t know yet that I have BPD. Ugh. I go back and forth about it in my head all the time. I am usually very upfront about it to people that enter my life and especially people that I’m dating. But it’s because at some point and time, if they have to deal with some of the symptoms of the disorder, then I want them to understand what is going on. I don’t tell everyone in my life. Only the people that I see myself spending a significant amount of time with and have the highest chance of witnessing the disorder firsthand. I want people to know so that they’re aware, but also so they have the chance to leave if they feel they aren’t able to handle it. I would rather have someone leave early on because of the disorder then for me to get attached (well I attach quickly, but I mean getting super attached) and then them abandon me later on. But this scenario that I’m currently in doesn’t fit the normal pattern. I’m not around her all the time. She isn’t going to witness anything. And the thought of telling her terrifies me. I mean, she’s told me that she’s never going to leave. But I’ve heard that before. Not saying I don’t believe her, but when she says that she’s probably thinking about mundane things that I may tell her about me. Not BPD. It’s intense and emotional and I am broken inside because of it. I mean, not everything with the disorder is bad. I love fiercely because of it and can be extremely loyal to those I hold close to me. But it’s still a disorder that defines my life. It defines……me.

The other night we were talking about the Twilight movies. And she told me that it was one of her favorite love stories. When I asked her why, she responded that it was because Bella fell in love with the one person she was never meant to love. And then she said, “Against all of the odds, she fell in love with a monster. And suddenly, because of her love, he wasn’t such a monster anymore.” That statement gave me chills. Because most of the time, I feel like a monster. I feel that there’s this beast inside of me that I have to maintain control of. A monster lurking underneath, just waiting to find a way out. I wanted to tell her right then and there, “But I really am a monster!” Of course I didn’t. But I fought back the urge too. Her statement made me wonder though, if someone truly loved me and took care of me, would I still be a monster? Could unconditional love fix even just a small part of me that’s broken? I don’t have an answer to that question because I’ve never had unconditional love from a partner. I mean I have it from my parents, my sister, my closest friends, but never from someone I literally shared a life with. But what if she’s real? What if she’s who I’m meant to be with? No one meets on Instagram. No one. But somehow, we did. Against all of the odds. Maybe every choice has lead me to her for a reason. What if she’s the one to save me? I’ve been through enough to be weary about the situation. Especially since we haven’t met yet. I’m not that naïve anymore. I know how the world works. I know how my world works. But……what if?

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6 responses to “what if.

  • M.

    What if you didn’t see yourself as broken just different. Different not less. What if you just accepted that your brain works differently? What if, is a great question indeed.

    • onelove312

      You know, I think about that a lot. I guess you could say the “what ifs” are a big part of my life. I have tried to think of myself as not broken. And a lot of times it works. I know that I can’t help having my disorder and being the person that I am anymore than someone with a medical condition can help it. But it is definitely hard most of the time to think that way because of how much self-hatred I have inside of me. And how emotions cycle through me. I know it’s not my fault, but it is still the reality of what I live with daily. If you saw me in daily life you probably would never know the truth of what’s going on. The people in my life tell me I’m one of the happiest and laidback people they know. But those are just the ones that don’t know the truth. What if I could truly be that happy person all the time? I don’t know if I’ll ever have the answer to that. But I’m trying.

      • M.

        I know it can be difficult. You inspired me to write about my logic to my BDP acceptance. It’s not about being happy all the time and i know if i tried – i would fail pretty fast. But I don’t see myself as my diagnosis anymore and i hope that i can plant a little seed in your heart that will grow to that. You are not your diagnosis despite of how you might feel sometimes. Hugs!

      • onelove312

        It definitely did plant a seed. Thank you for that 🙂 seriously. I know our road is pretty much paved with ups and downs. But I’m trying 🙂 it’s just nice to know there’s someone out there listening.

  • mm172001

    I agree totally with disclosing the BPD, but online relationships are so much more tricky. When you do bring it up, I suggest on a facetime or if you meet in person, so you guys can really talk about it.

    • onelove312

      Exactly! I disclose the BPD early on in any relationship or friendship that I have that I think is going to be important. I want people to be completely informed on what they are getting when they choose to be in my life. But this long distance thing, it’s entirely different. And it doesn’t fit any of the criteria of why I disclose the BPD in the first place. I told her about my suicide attempt, which was kind of like a test to see how she would react. And she was amazing about it. But BPD, it’s a whole other beast. I know I will have to tell her eventually. But right now I think I might wait until we actually see each other in person. Not just because I think a serious discussion like that should be had in person. But I also want to know if what I’m feeling is real and what she’s feeling is real before I open up myself to that extent. If that makes sense.

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