I feel very stuck in life right now. I know a lot of people feel that way. But most people don’t also have the addition of BPD to the equation. For a lot of my life, I am very impulsive. Name it and I’ve probably done it at some point in time. I know that sounds bad, but it’s the truth. Sometimes my impulsivity has been a good thing. People envy me for it. But if they knew the truth they’d realize that it’s not a very good quality to have. It’s not that I don’t consider consequences. Well actually, I guess in that moment I don’t. Or if I do I just put them aside to worry about after the fact. But impulsivity has lead me down some very bad roads. And all I want right now is just to move to a new place. A fresh start. I need a new horizon to look at. New people to meet and know. I know that person that I am meant to be with is not where I currently am. Don’t ask me how I know that because I don’t really know. I just know it. I feel it deep inside my soul. Plus the gay community in my city is very small. Very very small. And I never want to be a part of it. Because it is nothing but drama. I don’t want to date someone that has dated half of the other people in town. Nor do I want to date someone that is part of the “scene”. I do everything I can to stay away from that life. The majority of my friends are straight and I am completely ok with that. I don’t go out to the bars and clubs. It’s just not for me. I mean, I’m down to go play pool at a dive bar or listen to live music, but I’m not one to party and dance and drink until 3 in the morning. Plus, that lifestyle isn’t good for me. Being around alcohol so much isn’t good. Learned that the hard way and I’m trying to be better. So in the end, I just don’t feel like this is the place for me personally. But the problem is, my support system is here. See, that’s where the BPD factor comes into play. I have learned that I need my support system. I need my family. I need my friends that know everything about me and know how to talk me down or be there for me. I need that. I wouldn’t be here still if I didn’t have that. If I was in a place and didn’t have them, I don’t think it’d be good. If I was left to my own devices, I don’t know what would happen. But it’s still in me that I need to be somewhere else. But how do I do that? It’s a conscious decision to be away from the people who have kept me alive. Is that really a smart decision? But what if I never find what I am looking for here. What if I am never happy here. What’s the point of being alive if I’m not happy? I am at a loss at what to do. Stay somewhere where I am fairly certain I have the support system in place to ensure I stay alive. Or search somewhere else for the happiness that eludes me here, but if I get in trouble I do not know that I will be able to handle it on my own or stay alive. I know the answer is that my life is worth more. But like I said, what’s the point of being alive if I don’t have what I want most in life?
February 4, 2014