stuck.

I feel very stuck in life right now. I know a lot of people feel that way. But most people don’t also have the addition of BPD to the equation. For a lot of my life, I am very impulsive. Name it and I’ve probably done it at some point in time. I know that sounds bad, but it’s the truth. Sometimes my impulsivity has been a good thing. People envy me for it. But if they knew the truth they’d realize that it’s not a very good quality to have. It’s not that I don’t consider consequences. Well actually, I guess in that moment I don’t. Or if I do I just put them aside to worry about after the fact. But impulsivity has lead me down some very bad roads. And all I want right now is just to move to a new place. A fresh start. I need a new horizon to look at. New people to meet and know. I know that person that I am meant to be with is not where I currently am. Don’t ask me how I know that because I don’t really know. I just know it. I feel it deep inside my soul. Plus the gay community in my city is very small. Very very small. And I never want to be a part of it. Because it is nothing but drama. I don’t want to date someone that has dated half of the other people in town. Nor do I want to date someone that is part of the “scene”. I do everything I can to stay away from that life. The majority of my friends are straight and I am completely ok with that. I don’t go out to the bars and clubs. It’s just not for me. I mean, I’m down to go play pool at a dive bar or listen to live music, but I’m not one to party and dance and drink until 3 in the morning. Plus, that lifestyle isn’t good for me. Being around alcohol so much isn’t good. Learned that the hard way and I’m trying to be better. So in the end, I just don’t feel like this is the place for me personally. But the problem is, my support system is here. See, that’s where the BPD factor comes into play. I have learned that I need my support system. I need my family. I need my friends that know everything about me and know how to talk me down or be there for me. I need that. I wouldn’t be here still if I didn’t have that. If I was in a place and didn’t have them, I don’t think it’d be good. If I was left to my own devices, I don’t know what would happen. But it’s still in me that I need to be somewhere else. But how do I do that? It’s a conscious decision to be away from the people who have kept me alive. Is that really a smart decision? But what if I never find what I am looking for here. What if I am never happy here. What’s the point of being alive if I’m not happy? I am at a loss at what to do. Stay somewhere where I am fairly certain I have the support system in place to ensure I stay alive. Or search somewhere else for the happiness that eludes me here, but if I get in trouble I do not know that I will be able to handle it on my own or stay alive. I know the answer is that my life is worth more. But like I said, what’s the point of being alive if I don’t have what I want most in life?

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15 responses to “stuck.

  • someborderlinegirl

    I go through this at least once a month, but I don’t have any sage words of wisdom. Just do what is best for you. For me, that meant moving away from my support system, because they were beginning to enable my BPD instead of helping me get better. It wasn’t until I was on my own that I realized just how much I had regressed. So, I guess my recommendation would be to take a self-inventory. Figure out what you want out of life, and then plot out the course to get there. If nothing else, it will distract you for an evening. πŸ™‚

    • onelove312

      Thank you for the advice πŸ™‚ I lived away from my family and friends for 7 years so it’s not like I don’t know how to be on my own. I’ve only been back here for a little over 5 years. And in coming back I kinda recreated my support system and molded it into what it currently is. Which I am pretty lucky to be honest to have the amazing people that I do in my life. But, I just don’t know what’s best for me anymore. I don’t know what direction I want my life to go in.

      • someborderlinegirl

        I have that exact problem. I moved to Baltimore for college, then back home for a year, then back to Baltimore for 6 years, then home for a year, and now Philadelphia. I constantly had to rebuild new support structures and solidify the existing ones. I will tell you this, if you do relocate to a new place in search of direction, find a community you connect with. For me, this was the local BDSM and kink community. I started a happy hour to meet people, and while i don’t have any super close friends (I’m very picky about friendships), I do have a great group of people I can call on if I ever need someone to watch a movie with so I don’t do something stupid one night.
        As far as what’s best and what direction to go in… I think that’s just a burden we have to carry as Borderline individuals. It seems to me that a common trait among us (and there are obviously exceptions to this) is that we have no fucking clue what we want to do with our lives. We have lots of big plans, but nothing solid and achievable. *shrug* I’m trying to figure out the same things you are right now. Feel free to follow my blog and we can support each other! πŸ˜€

      • onelove312

        We can definitely support each other! I like that idea a lot πŸ˜€ I’m glad you found somewhat of a support system for yourself. No matter where I go I am assuming that softball will always be an escape for me and will be how I best connect with people. I don’t think I could ever live somewhere where I couldn’t have that outlet.

        I agree with you. I think as Borderlines we want so much to have meaning in our lives. Purpose. But how to get there, no fucking idea. At least I don’t. There are so many things I want to do, but to focus on one is really hard for me. Or to follow a path is hard for me. Mainly because I am too spontaneous and impulsive. I think right now I am just trying not to be so impulsive with K, this chick I am talking to from North Carolina. Everything inside of me is just screaming at me to move out there. But I know nothing good will come of that.

      • someborderlinegirl

        I almost moved to Chicago for a boy once. I think everyone has those moments. I’m lucky because I’ve developed these little coping strategies for myself, and one of them is “Don’t fucking do it.” If I want to do something super impulsive, like quit my job or move across the country, I refuse. I try to see how long I can hold out in a given situation. I plan the fuck out of it, but I don’t do it. I have a brain full of plans for lives in different cities – apartments picked off of Craigslist, dream jobs from idealist… but I know that when the right opportunity comes, I want to be available for it. So i leave my options open and remember not to fucking do it. πŸ˜›
        How long have you been talking to K? I know I generally start planning moving in with people about three days after I meet them and fall in love.

      • onelove312

        Hahah yep that is pretty much how my story goes as well. We’ve been talking for two and a half months. Ugh. I honestly don’t know what to do about it.

        I think I might adopt your mantra of “don’t fucking do it” πŸ™‚ I’m usually pretty good about not making large impulsive decisions. I will usually do something small so at least that feeling of impulse subsides for a while. Small as in like buying a hat or shirt or something. Or a video game. Shit like that. It at least helps me a little because I still feel like I did something, but it’s not earth shattering. Sometimes that doesn’t work out, but I try. I think with K I just don’t know what to do because I think she is pretty amazing and we want to be together. Just have no idea how the fuck we’re going to accomplish that.

      • someborderlinegirl

        Ahh, my impulses end up leading to buying a new closet of clothes. I need to get better at the “a shirt” thing. πŸ˜›
        Feel free to adopt “Don’t Fucking Do It.” I would offer to cross stitch it onto a pillow for you, but I suck at cross stitch, and I don’t have any pillows. πŸ˜›
        Long distance relationships are always hard. I definitely understand wanting to be together. Have you visited for a weekend or anything yet? I know that’s always nice. It’s hard as fuck to leave, but it’s nice once you get over the separation after leaving. It holds you over until the next time.

      • onelove312

        Haha hey I’ll adopt your “Don’t fucking do it” and you can adopt my “just a shirt” πŸ˜‰

        Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever cross stitched in my life. Maybe I’ll make you a hat or something one day πŸ˜›

        Nope, haven’t visited yet. We’re planning for April in which I wanna stay for a week. But we both have kinda busy schedules due to different things. Plus she’s going through a lot of shit that should probably be a red flag to me (that’s what my friends say), but I don’t know. I see it as just life. Probably just my BPD though because I don’t read signals like most people. I feel too much.

      • someborderlinegirl

        “I feel too much.”
        A-fucking-men to that. I’ll tell you, it’s hard as FUCK to do the visit for a week and leave thing. I’m sure you know that, but I just got done with one of those a few weeks ago. I’m still kind of recovering, three or four weeks later.
        And, while I don’t feel like I can speak directly to the red flags (because I don’t know you or her or the situation), I will say that everyone’s criteria for red flags is different. Could she be a.. what is it, a catfish? is that what they call them these days? Sure. But YOU feel good about the relationship. Now, if she keeps putting off the trip for random reasons, then you should be concerned. πŸ˜›

      • onelove312

        Well, she’s definitely not a “catfish” in the sense that she’s some crazy looking person sending me pics of someone else pretending to be them. But her personal life, well, let’s just say there’s some gaps. She says she’s trying to “protect me” but not getting me involved in all the shit going on. But basically I just feel like she’s hiding a bunch of shit. And she doesn’t know about the BPD so she doesn’t realize that her actions are actually making my anxiety WAY WORSE than it has to be. But whatever. I’m kinda stuck at what to do at this point with it. I guess we’ll see. There is a chick I talk to who lives in my town, but we have a whole history too so I don’t know where that road is gonna lead either.

        And yeah, I fucking hate feeling so much! Alllllll the time. Hate it. I can’t even trust my own feelings anymore. Because they can change so quickly. πŸ˜›

      • onelove312

        Yeah, I’m having a hard time dealing with them lately. If you can, take a look at my last post…. 😦

      • someborderlinegirl

        I did. And commented in two places. Because I’m a genius. -.-‘

  • mm172001

    I totally agree that you sound stuck. I have a similar problem though not exact. My support system and my make my symptoms hell system both are in intimate areas of my life. And some people are intertwined and theirs connections and all that crazy.
    I wasn’t out and honestly didn’t know anyone closely that was gay. My friends/family/support were either silent on the topic so I didn’t know how they felt or openly homophobic and hateful. I started going to a social group to meet people my age in the gay community who aren’t all about partying and drinking. It was real hard with my BPD and anxiety issues, but I did. Problem: they don’t know my psych issues.
    And in the world where people know my psych issues many don’t know the sexuality or don’t accept it, it’s very tricky.
    Right now I’m trying to prioritize, it’s more important to get away from my toxic but familiar family than stay with the familiarity and financial security.

    As for advice. Look for some type of social group. Mine was at a local LGBT center, but you could look on meetup.com and other options. Have your support system check up on you, or talk about your moving away options with them get their feedback. Maybe they have some friends that could become yours, in an area your willing to move on to. Maybe you could make agreements to call so often, or visit, or whatever so you’d still have some support. Just some suggestions.

    Marci

    • onelove312

      Hey! Thanks for the comment πŸ™‚
      Yeah, I absolutely hate this feeling of being stuck. I have talked with my “support system” about me possibly moving and none of them think that it’s a good idea. It’s mainly because I’ve been going through a lot in the last couple of months and aren’t exactly the most stable at the moment. And I agree with their assessment. It’s more that I feel very impulsive right now and just want to leave. But I’m trying to be responsible about it and try and think through the decision and what will ultimately be best for me. It’s not that everything here is bad. I actually have a really good life here. I have amazing friends after weeding through all of the bad and creating the type of life that I wanted. Softball continues to be my escape and I have worked very hard over the last year to integrate myself into the softball world here (softball is really big where I live) and am finally where I want to be when it comes to that. I think once softball season starts, I actually have my first tournament this weekend, I will be a lot more comfortable in life. Because it truly is my escape. It’s been these winter months where I haven’t had it that I’ve sturggled the most. But once it starts and I’m kept busy and surrounded by friends I’ll be a lot happier and less stressed. Because my brain won’t be allowed to think as much. I think also my desire to move has something to do with the girl that I am currently talking to that lives across the country. I can’t deny it, I want to be with her. And it’s a big struggle to be kept away from her. Especially as more time passes and we continue to grow closer and it becomes harder with each passing day to not be able to see her. But I am trying not to make the impulsive decision to just move to where she is.
      I know a lot of gay people in my area. I don’t live in a really small town, but it definitely has a small town feel. As in, everyone knows everyone. It’s that type of stuff I try and stay away from. I know there has to be other gay people in my area that aren’t a part of the “scene”, but they are pretty few and far between. So thank you for the idea of maybe looking into some groups. I just don’t know if I really want that at this point. Because honestly, I know a LOT about the gay people in my area and everyone has dated everyone and it’s just a mess that I don’t truly know I want to get involved in.
      I’m really glad that it sounds like you have come to terms with your sexuality πŸ™‚ I know it isn’t the easiest thing. Even if you don’t have a disorder. But it really is ok to be who you are. Some of the world may disagree and that’s ok. But you are who you are and you are beautiful regardless. Never forget that.

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