She is beginning to consume my thoughts. In all truth, she has for quite some time. Not quite ready to use her name is that would make it very real. A very real part of my story. So for now, I will call her K. The girl in North Carolina. The one who, against all odds, has captured my attention. All of it. I could downplay what is occurring. But this is the place where I promised to lay bare all of my dirty little secrets. So I will not lie to you. Any more that I can lie to myself. I feel for her. I feel a lot. In ways that should not be happening. Because I still have yet to see her in person. I still do not know what it feels like to hold her in my arms. But still, I feel.
I think that it is because of the distance that this relationship, because let’s be honest that’s what it is, is getting to me the way that it is. All we currently have is communication. Which has always been lacking in every previous relationship that I have had. Even though thoughts and emotions constantly flow through me, I am bad at communication. Sometimes it is because I am scared to share what goes through my mind. What fills my heart. Sometimes it is because it is too much for anyone to know. But sometimes it is because I can’t find the words to express how I am feeling. I can’t put words to exactly what it is inside me. So in every relationship I move fast and make a person fall for me and we proceed from there. But every time, the communication throughout the relationship is lacking. But this, well all we have is communication. It is the only thing connecting us. And to see her name appear on my phone, it gives me butterflies. It puts an instant smile on my face. Even now, over two months later. She still gets to me. And I don’t know exactly what that means. I want her. I need her. I crave to be next to her. But then there are the doubts. The questions. The fears. Because she is 1600 miles away. An entire country separates us. And how can I fall in love with someone who I have not only seen, but I can’t drive to in a single day.
My friends, well, they’re concerned. They have seen me destroyed by love. By people. They do not want that to happen again. Some believe she is just using me as a distraction from her left. That this is never meant to be real. That we will never truly meet. There are those who believe that she is hiding things from me. Because with some on the other side of the country, it is so easy to hide so much of yourself. I mean, look at me, I’m hiding my BPD. I’m able to hide it because she does not have to see me cry at night. I do not have to explain certain behavior to her. Because she does not need to know the reality of my day to day life. It’s not that I hide everything from her. But I have hidden the worst parts of myself. With her, I’m able to be the person that I want the world to know. Not all good. She knows most everything about me. Just not the BPD. Not that. But if I am able to hide that from her, as my friends say, imagine what she could be hiding from me. And then there are those that think maybe there is a chance for us. However they are cautious and worried. I get where they all are coming from. I do understand. If this was someone else living this story and telling me about it, well I’d probably feel the same way. I’d tell them all the same things that I am being told. And hoped that they would listen. But I’m not listening. My heart won’t let me. This feels like it is meant for something. I just wish I knew what.
And as for her, well she opens up with me. I know things about her that I know, I know, she does not share with others. Because I have heard her talk to others. And it’s not how she talks to me. And that’s the side that no one else sees. Or can understand. I do not feel all of these things on my own. It is a shared experience. I just don’t know where I am supposed to go from here. Do I continue to feel? Even though this could end badly. Do I do what my friends are telling me to do and just try not to get to serious? But it is already serious. So what do I do? I know what my heart is telling me. But my heart is not always right. My heart has led me to some very bad places. My heart has been broken too bad by decisions that felt right at the time. So what do I do this time? I don’t want to lose her. But I also don’t want to end up destroyed. Again. I can’t go through that again. Not right now. But what if she’s the one thing keeping me together? To love means you open yourself up to someone. You give them the knife that can cut right through you. And yet have the faith that they will never use it. Love is always a risk. For anyone. But what do I do when I cannot absorb the hurt like anyone else? What if I feel more than most. And hurt more as well. Because that’s what I am. But maybe, in this time and place, she is the one that is meant to put the broken pieces back together. She has already started the process. She says she has duct tape for the rest. Maybe duct tape will do the job that nothing else has been able to. Maybe it is worth the risk of being ripped apart. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being stupid. That’s the problem. I can’t even trust my own feelings. That’s the worst part. I can never trust myself or what I feel. But just maybe, in this time and place……