broken mind.

Well, here’s the broken part of the BPD. Here’s the ugliness. I try and hide it from everyone in my life. Even from you. But, here it is. Maybe it’s time I bring a little more truth into this blog. And the truth is, I don’t want to be here anymore. It hurts too much to be here. I live my life for everyone else. I hide so much of myself from the world because I don’t want them to know what truly lives inside of me. I protect my loved ones because I don’t want them to know the truth. I want to protect them from all of this ugliness. I never want them to know this. But here it is. I can go from being completely fine to being shattered in pieces in five minutes. Read all you want about BPD. Every article you can find. Nothing can explain what this feels like. This constant ache inside that nothing can ever feel. Feeling so many emotions that you feel like you’re basically going to jump out of your skin because you can’t handle it. No words on a piece of paper can ever come close to explaining what it feels like to want to die because you can no longer handle the hurt inside. I fight. Every single fucking day I fight. But for what? Just to make it through the day? Just to wake up so I can do it all over again? Do you even know what that feels like? I am an internal borderline. Some call it a “quiet borderline”. Whatever you wanna call it, I am more broken inside then I will ever be able to put into words. I live for other people. I don’t know how to live for myself. But I live for them. For their happiness. But in an instant that can change. I think they don’t care. Don’t text me back and I think you hate me. Don’t talk to me as much as you normally do, I think you no longer love me. That’s the fucking reality. But i never say it. I keep all this shit inside. Because I know it’s exactly that, shit. It’s my own mind, my own emotions betraying me. And I feel them all. Over and over and over. There’s no end to them. Never. So I want to protect the people I care about. I want to shade them from all of this darkness. They would be so much better off without me. That’s my reality. The people I love the most in this world, I want them to be free of me. Because this, this is a fucking ugly reality. And no one should have to live through it.

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27 responses to “broken mind.

  • someborderlinegirl

    Ok, so apparently comments weren’t turned off. I just didn’t know where to look. -.- So you can delete the comment I left on your “about” page.

    Life with BPD is difficult. SO difficult. Our struggles may be different, but they are, in essence, the same. And I have this to say to you: I’m still here. You’re still here. We have survived over 20 years of this bullshit – feelings that are insurmountable at times, unstable interpersonal relationships, a sense of longing for purpose in life – we have survived and we are STILL HERE. The people we love have come and gone and we are still here. Don’t let a period of depression undo the last 29 years of your life. I don’t know if you play video games, but in my mind, I equate suicide to rage quitting a game. It feels really good in the moment, but sucks later (especially if you forgot to save before you rage quit). Unfortunately, with life you can’t just turn the game back on and get back to where you were. Unless you’re a zombie, which… well, I mean that still isn’t going to get you back to where you were. It will just get you brains.
    So please remember that there are people just like you who struggle the same as you and feel the same as you and long and wish for a better life the same as you. And we are all still here. ❤

  • sockdrawersecrets

    I almost never comment on blogs but wanted to echo the previous writers words. BPD is such an isolating confusing illness that I for one often forget there are other sufferers out there – because I can’t imagine how anyone could live with this pain. I can see my past in your post, the absolute emotional devastation and exhaustion with how quick feelings and moods and actions can cycle. I went through all the BPD stuff – ‘internal’ as well as the outward suicide, self harm, unstable relationship stuff. I had intensive therapy for 10years and am amazed and proud to say I’m in recovery from BPD. I no longer fit the criteria, even though the potential for those thoughts & interpersonal instability will always remain with me – particularly under stress or tiredness, I am free of the day to day desperation. It is possible to live with and recover from this condition. It is possible to have healthy relationships and stable connections in your life. As you probably know from DBT the most important thing is distress tolerance though periods like these – getting through them without utilizing unhelpful/dangerous behaviors and mindfulness – learning to be still and mentally even. I am in no way minimizing the pain you are in, merely pointing out that it can and will pass. Take care x

    • onelove312

      Thank you so much for your comment. You have no idea how much that means to me that you would care enough to spend a minute trying to reach out to me. I know that “this too shall pass” and I just need to ride it out. I try to remain so positive in my life so that none of the ugliness shows. But I just needed to get out the stuff that continuousy flows through my mind. I hope you are right that people can get past all of this. I still have hope that one day I will. When the emotions don’t consume me and I can think clearly, even if it’s just for a second, I hold on to that hope. And, god, I hope you’re right.

      xo

      • sockdrawersecrets

        Anytime, really. It’s an isolating condition – much like so many other mental health issues and if 2 minutes can help connect people then I’m all for it. I’m really glad to hear you’re still holding on to hope =) give me a yell if you ever want to chat. I don’t use wordpress much except to follow blogs so I don’t even know how to do that, but i’m sure it’s possible lol. take care x

  • mm172001

    You nailed it. I’m also an internal borderline it’s hard to understand for other people when most everything is going on underneath the surface. There’s people out there that understand and can relate, I am one.

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