let go.

I really don’t want to write about this right now. It’s still way too fresh. But I feel that I should. Because otherwise I will never write about it. Or talk about it again. I will bottle it inside with everything else that resides in there. It will come to me in nightmares and moments of emotional upheaval. But I won’t talk about it. So, here I am talking about. Hopefully this helps. Fuck, I hope it helps take it away from my shattered heart. I will divulge every moment of this event in hopes that it will purge it from my mind.

I work in an office building where the first 11 floors are a parking garage. I hardly ever go onto the parking garage floors except during the summertime. Because I work across the street from a minor league baseball field. So during the summer I’ll go to the 11th floor where you can have a perfect view of the field and I’ll watch some of the games on my lunch. But during the winter time I hardly ever go there. Well, I have been feeling so broken lately that today on my break I went to the 11th floor to just get some fresh air. I wish I could take that decision back.

I watched a woman commit suicide today. When I walked onto the floor I walked over to the edge so that I could look down at the river that flows next to my building. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement. I turned and saw a woman standing on the ledge holding on the guardrail. I called out to her and she looked me straight in the eyes. Then, she let go. I couldn’t get to her in time. I looked down and saw her lifeless body on the sidewalk. Blood everywhere.

Even saying it now, it sounds like a movie. One of the moments where time stops and everything feels in slow motion. But unfortunately this was real. And I couldn’t get to her in time. The look on her face, in her eyes, is replaying in my mind. Because I know that look. I’ve had that look. The look of giving up. Of desperation. Of deep rooted pain. I know that look. And in that one second in which she looked at me, she gave up. She let go.

To be honest, I don’t really know what I’m feeling right now. I was shaking most of the day. Now, I just feel numb. Like my body cycled through too many emotions during the day and now has just shut down. I just wish I could stop replaying it in my mind. I don’t know that woman’s name. I don’t know her story or what led her to that point. But I know what she felt in that moment. I just wish I had been able to get to her. I know this isn’t on me. I know she had made her choice long before I crossed her path, however brief it might have been. I just wish I had been able to get to her. I wish she wouldn’t have let go.


2 responses to “let go.

  • Mandi

    I read your last post to Mark, much of it sounded so much like me. I’m glad you laid it out like you did, hate that you feel the way you do. I wish you always felt safe to write whatever you wanted whenever you wanted however you wanted. I for one am not going to judge or condemn you over how you feel or what you do. I won’t ever know exactly how you feel, but I think I can relate a little. I helps me when someone with BPD can relate. I hate that they can relate just because relating means they have pain too… but we have pain regardless so might as well support each other through it.

    I sat in bed for a few hours last night after reading this post, I couldn’t say anything. I’ve had friends commit suicide, I wasn’t there when they did. I haven’t witnessed anything like that. I can’t even begin to imagine how you might be feeling. I’m pissed because you were already feeling bad and BPD or not, this would be beyond hard to deal with. If you hadn’t seen her eyes it would have been different probably. Not ok, but different. I don’t think there’s anything I can say that is going to help you. Maybe encourage you to talk. If you’re not comfortable talking to a therapist about BPD, maybe you could work out some of how you’re feeling just with this? I don’t know. I just don’t want you to bottle it up all inside, you know how that ends up and you can’t get to that point.

    I love you and am thinking about you and praying for you a ton

    • onelove312

      I’m glad you read that post to Mark. I’m glad it was something that you could relate to and find a voice in. I never want anyone to feel this way. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. But I know that there are those out there that do. Including to you. And I’m glad I could write something that you found meaning in. At least we have each other.

      Yeah, I don’t know what to say about it either. I’m about to write another post about a bunch of shit and will talk more about it. This was just the last thing in the world that I needed. It’s just too much.

      I love you too. Always,

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