say something.

“Say something, I’m giving up on you. I’ll be the one if you want me to. Anywhere I would’ve followed you. Say something, I’m giving up on you. And I, am feeling so small. It was over my head. I know nothing at all. And I, will stumble and fall. I’m still learning to love. Just starting to crawl. Say something, I’m giving up on you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you……”

I listened to that song on repeat last night. And today. I don’t know why that song is the one that I am relating to right now, but it is. I have found a little bit of everything that I am feeling right now in that song. It gave so many things inside of me a voice. Just everything right now, it’s too much. It’s too much to handle at one time. I am struggling. I am failing.

I feel as if the entire earth is shattering. Slipping through my fingers as I try and hold on to some sort of semblance of myself. I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize myself. I don’t know who this person is. I have tried for so long to hold on, because tomorrow will be better. That’s what they always say. But everything is just tumbling down. The harder I try and hold it up, it just falls down. I am back where I started. Never even knowing I never went anywhere to begin with. If you know anything about BPD then you know that I am a product of my environment. I feed on the energy around me. Things that I have absolutely no control over can control me. And I can’t stop it. All I can do is feel it. Suffer it. Grasp on to it and hang on for dear life. The storm rages on regardless.

I still can’t focus enough to think about what happened yesterday. It wasn’t until late in the night last night that I cried for the first time. And now, I still just feel numb. It’s replaying in my mind, but I can’t focus on it. It’s like an endless loop of emotion with no video. Coursing through me, but I see nothing. The hardest part is that I have thought about jumping off my building. Every time I have looked over that edge I have thought about it. Of just letting go. I am her. She was me. And I don’t know how to escape that thought. That feeling. Her eyes. That’s all I can see. Her eyes. Begging for a release. A release from the same pain inside that I can feel. I can feel her. I guess that relates to my life in general. For the majority of my life, I feel my way through. I don’t see my world, I feel it. I feel people. I feel. Everything. So, I feel her. I was the last thing she saw in this world. And I feel her.

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One response to “say something.

  • sockdrawersecrets

    This is such an awful situation to be in – I can’t imagine how strong and overwhelming the emotions are right now. Do you have a therapist or psychiatrist or even a GP you can get some crisis support from? What is your distress tolerance plan when you feel overcome by emotions? I know everyone is different – mine personally is wrapping myself up in a furry rug & listening to rave music until I fall asleep [I know, weird that I can fall asleep to that noise!] But it gets me out of my head, or more accurately perhaps drowns out my head for a time. Alterantively I watch a favourite cartoon movie on repeat until I feel safe. I keep my therapists number on hand too if I feel really unsafe [suicidally so]. I guess what I’m saying is you’ve seen and witnessed and felt an absolutely awful experience and what can you do to keep yourself safe and alive until these acute overwhelming feelings pass?
    Take care of yourself. It may mean nothing but I imagine the lady was relieved to see caring eyes as her last contact
    xx Laura

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