“Say something, I’m giving up on you. I’ll be the one if you want me to. Anywhere I would’ve followed you. Say something, I’m giving up on you. And I, am feeling so small. It was over my head. I know nothing at all. And I, will stumble and fall. I’m still learning to love. Just starting to crawl. Say something, I’m giving up on you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you……”
I listened to that song on repeat last night. And today. I don’t know why that song is the one that I am relating to right now, but it is. I have found a little bit of everything that I am feeling right now in that song. It gave so many things inside of me a voice. Just everything right now, it’s too much. It’s too much to handle at one time. I am struggling. I am failing.
I feel as if the entire earth is shattering. Slipping through my fingers as I try and hold on to some sort of semblance of myself. I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize myself. I don’t know who this person is. I have tried for so long to hold on, because tomorrow will be better. That’s what they always say. But everything is just tumbling down. The harder I try and hold it up, it just falls down. I am back where I started. Never even knowing I never went anywhere to begin with. If you know anything about BPD then you know that I am a product of my environment. I feed on the energy around me. Things that I have absolutely no control over can control me. And I can’t stop it. All I can do is feel it. Suffer it. Grasp on to it and hang on for dear life. The storm rages on regardless.
I still can’t focus enough to think about what happened yesterday. It wasn’t until late in the night last night that I cried for the first time. And now, I still just feel numb. It’s replaying in my mind, but I can’t focus on it. It’s like an endless loop of emotion with no video. Coursing through me, but I see nothing. The hardest part is that I have thought about jumping off my building. Every time I have looked over that edge I have thought about it. Of just letting go. I am her. She was me. And I don’t know how to escape that thought. That feeling. Her eyes. That’s all I can see. Her eyes. Begging for a release. A release from the same pain inside that I can feel. I can feel her. I guess that relates to my life in general. For the majority of my life, I feel my way through. I don’t see my world, I feel it. I feel people. I feel. Everything. So, I feel her. I was the last thing she saw in this world. And I feel her.