breathe.

I watched a woman kill herself and I continue to have flashbacks of it. I haven’t been able to sleep. Because everytime I close my eyes I see her looking at me. She’s haunting me. And telling me that I am just like her.

A friendship that I once thought was so “different”, is currently crashing down around me. And I don’t know if the pieces can ever fit back together.

The girl that set me up to fall for her, did not follow through with catching me. Words seem to have been just that, words. I don’t even know how to put into words what is currently going on with that situation. Except that I fell and am now just lost and confused. With no light at the end of the tunnel. Nor do I know how long the tunnel is.

My sister has cancer. She may also lose everything she has today as her husband is most likely going to lose his job. And he is the sole provider in their family. My nephew and niece, who are the complete center of my world, may not have a home when the sun goes down tonight.

The waves continue to crash around me. Getting bigger and stronger. Pushing me down with each progression. As I struggle just to get up from my knees. And all I want to do is just breathe.

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6 responses to “breathe.

  • Lindsey LeBlanc

    Hi, I’ve never written to anyone like this but I felt like I couldn’t read your post without commenting. I stumbled on your blog by chance ( I think because of your post about one love…I truly can’t remember, it was months ago though.) I thought your writing was beautiful and so brave and honest

    I don’t have BPD or know much about it, but I think you’re so brave for sharing your struggles with it. I would bet anything you’ve positively impacted someone’s life by putting yourself out there. Or made someone not feel so alone. And that’s awesome. I struggle with binge eating among other things, so although our struggles are totally different, in some way I can relate to feeling alone or like things are hopeless.

    I really just wanted to say that I’m so sorry for the trauma you experience watching that woman jump. That is horrific, and would be too much for anyone, but I can only imagine how it would feel for someone who has felt that same pain. There is nothing to say but I’m sorry you experienced that. I’m sorry you’re hurting. And I’m so sorry about your sister.I know we don’t know each other, but I care and I hope things get better for you. I think it’s possible that there will be light even after the darkest days. Sorry, that’s cheesy. I’m just trying to say that even when things seems impossible and hopeless, they can surprise you by getting better. I hope it gets better for you. – Lindsey

    • mm172001

      You have positively impacted a life, at least one mine, but I’d be willing to bet their are others.

    • onelove312

      Lindsey,

      I have to be honest, I read your comment hours ago and have been speechless ever since. It has taken me this long just to be able to articulate exactly what I wanted to tell you. First off, thank you. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I have never had someone write me something that has impacted me as much as what you wrote. And I cannot even begin to explain how much it means to me that you took the time to write that. You reminded me why I started this blog in the first place. That if I could connect with even one person and help them feel like they were not alone, then this all has meaning. If even just one person can relate to what I write, then I will go through all of this endlessly. Because I search for this to have a meaning. And I hope that that is it. We do not need to have the same disorder in order for us to both understand what struggle feels like. Struggle is struggle, regardless of the cause. We all have different demons. But at the end of the day, we suffer the same fight regardless of what it is against.

      And I want you to know that I made my mom read your comment. Just the other day, for the first time, I told her about my blog. I didn’t let her read anything, but I explained to her that it is an outlet for me and a way for me to connect with other people that can understand how I feel when the people around me don’t. She told me that she didn’t know if that was a good thing for me. She was concerned that I may be too focused on the negative. So I had her read your comment. Because it impacted me that much. She sat still after reading it and all she could say was “wow” about five times in a row. She then began to cry and told me that she was wrong. And for the first time in many years, she told me that she was proud of me. She was proud of the person I had become, against all of the odds and things I face. I am telling you this because I want you to know that you did that. So you may say that I have impacted others. But I wanted you to know that you, yourself, have personally impacted me. In multiple ways. So seriously, thank you.

      And please know that I am now here for you as well. If you ever need anything, I’m here. I may not know what you struggle with as I do not suffer with binge eating. But as I said, I know struggle. And I want you to also know that you are never alone. Ever. I am going to give you my person email in case you ever want to write. Even if it’s late at night and you just need someone to talk to I’m here. And thank you again for reminding me of things that I desperately needed to be reminded of. Thank you for sparing the time and impacting my life.

      – Laura
      luckysport312@yahoo.com

  • mm172001

    Urge surf… (DBT skill) and try your best to ride out the waves, hurricane, tornado (pick a metaphor.) I had flashbacks after a student I used to teach committed suicide, I can’t imagine going back to that time and then all the additional stuff going on inside and around you.
    My thoughts are with you.

    • onelove312

      Thank you so much. I am trying so hard to ride this stuff out. I’m trying to hang on. It helps to know that you’re thinking about me. It helps to know I’m not alone in this. XO

  • Mandi

    Hey 🙂 I’m here, always read what you write. Just don’t always know how to respond, and for me… I’ve learned that sometimes just not saying anything is better than taking a chance and saying the wrong thing! It only took like… 20yrs or so to figure that out. 🙂

    I haven’t stopped thinking about you since you first wrote about what happened. I keep thinking about what I would feel if I were in your shoes, how I would handle it. I wouldn’t be ok. Really wouldn’t be ok. I have the whole death PTSD thing that I’m sure adds to it but what sticks in my mind is her looking at you and that’s the BPD part.

    When I’m in the hospital, for the first few days we all pretty much have the same look. In those times I don’t really think about it because I’m there myself in my own mind, and we’re in an environment where you expect to see people to look that way. “Outside” is different. A lot different. Inside we’re all safe, I don’t have to worry because they’re getting help.

    At times it seems like a lot of really bad things pile on all at once. I used to wonder if it was just me, like if BPD was making me think things were worse than they really are mainly just because some people without BPD say that’s how “we” are. But no. Losing jobs, people getting severely scary sick, etc… they are huge things.

    I wish I could fix things for you, that I had something inspirational to say or advice to give… I’ve got nothing. I care about you a ton though and am thinking about and praying for you!

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