say something.

“Say something, I’m giving up on you. I’ll be the one if you want me to. Anywhere I would’ve followed you. Say something, I’m giving up on you. And I, am feeling so small. It was over my head. I know nothing at all. And I, will stumble and fall. I’m still learning to love. Just starting to crawl. Say something, I’m giving up on you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you……”

I listened to that song on repeat last night. And today. I don’t know why that song is the one that I am relating to right now, but it is. I have found a little bit of everything that I am feeling right now in that song. It gave so many things inside of me a voice. Just everything right now, it’s too much. It’s too much to handle at one time. I am struggling. I am failing.

I feel as if the entire earth is shattering. Slipping through my fingers as I try and hold on to some sort of semblance of myself. I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize myself. I don’t know who this person is. I have tried for so long to hold on, because tomorrow will be better. That’s what they always say. But everything is just tumbling down. The harder I try and hold it up, it just falls down. I am back where I started. Never even knowing I never went anywhere to begin with. If you know anything about BPD then you know that I am a product of my environment. I feed on the energy around me. Things that I have absolutely no control over can control me. And I can’t stop it. All I can do is feel it. Suffer it. Grasp on to it and hang on for dear life. The storm rages on regardless.

I still can’t focus enough to think about what happened yesterday. It wasn’t until late in the night last night that I cried for the first time. And now, I still just feel numb. It’s replaying in my mind, but I can’t focus on it. It’s like an endless loop of emotion with no video. Coursing through me, but I see nothing. The hardest part is that I have thought about jumping off my building. Every time I have looked over that edge I have thought about it. Of just letting go. I am her. She was me. And I don’t know how to escape that thought. That feeling. Her eyes. That’s all I can see. Her eyes. Begging for a release. A release from the same pain inside that I can feel. I can feel her. I guess that relates to my life in general. For the majority of my life, I feel my way through. I don’t see my world, I feel it. I feel people. I feel. Everything. So, I feel her. I was the last thing she saw in this world. And I feel her.


let go.

I really don’t want to write about this right now. It’s still way too fresh. But I feel that I should. Because otherwise I will never write about it. Or talk about it again. I will bottle it inside with everything else that resides in there. It will come to me in nightmares and moments of emotional upheaval. But I won’t talk about it. So, here I am talking about. Hopefully this helps. Fuck, I hope it helps take it away from my shattered heart. I will divulge every moment of this event in hopes that it will purge it from my mind.

I work in an office building where the first 11 floors are a parking garage. I hardly ever go onto the parking garage floors except during the summertime. Because I work across the street from a minor league baseball field. So during the summer I’ll go to the 11th floor where you can have a perfect view of the field and I’ll watch some of the games on my lunch. But during the winter time I hardly ever go there. Well, I have been feeling so broken lately that today on my break I went to the 11th floor to just get some fresh air. I wish I could take that decision back.

I watched a woman commit suicide today. When I walked onto the floor I walked over to the edge so that I could look down at the river that flows next to my building. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement. I turned and saw a woman standing on the ledge holding on the guardrail. I called out to her and she looked me straight in the eyes. Then, she let go. I couldn’t get to her in time. I looked down and saw her lifeless body on the sidewalk. Blood everywhere.

Even saying it now, it sounds like a movie. One of the moments where time stops and everything feels in slow motion. But unfortunately this was real. And I couldn’t get to her in time. The look on her face, in her eyes, is replaying in my mind. Because I know that look. I’ve had that look. The look of giving up. Of desperation. Of deep rooted pain. I know that look. And in that one second in which she looked at me, she gave up. She let go.

To be honest, I don’t really know what I’m feeling right now. I was shaking most of the day. Now, I just feel numb. Like my body cycled through too many emotions during the day and now has just shut down. I just wish I could stop replaying it in my mind. I don’t know that woman’s name. I don’t know her story or what led her to that point. But I know what she felt in that moment. I just wish I had been able to get to her. I know this isn’t on me. I know she had made her choice long before I crossed her path, however brief it might have been. I just wish I had been able to get to her. I wish she wouldn’t have let go.


broken mind.

Well, here’s the broken part of the BPD. Here’s the ugliness. I try and hide it from everyone in my life. Even from you. But, here it is. Maybe it’s time I bring a little more truth into this blog. And the truth is, I don’t want to be here anymore. It hurts too much to be here. I live my life for everyone else. I hide so much of myself from the world because I don’t want them to know what truly lives inside of me. I protect my loved ones because I don’t want them to know the truth. I want to protect them from all of this ugliness. I never want them to know this. But here it is. I can go from being completely fine to being shattered in pieces in five minutes. Read all you want about BPD. Every article you can find. Nothing can explain what this feels like. This constant ache inside that nothing can ever feel. Feeling so many emotions that you feel like you’re basically going to jump out of your skin because you can’t handle it. No words on a piece of paper can ever come close to explaining what it feels like to want to die because you can no longer handle the hurt inside. I fight. Every single fucking day I fight. But for what? Just to make it through the day? Just to wake up so I can do it all over again? Do you even know what that feels like? I am an internal borderline. Some call it a “quiet borderline”. Whatever you wanna call it, I am more broken inside then I will ever be able to put into words. I live for other people. I don’t know how to live for myself. But I live for them. For their happiness. But in an instant that can change. I think they don’t care. Don’t text me back and I think you hate me. Don’t talk to me as much as you normally do, I think you no longer love me. That’s the fucking reality. But i never say it. I keep all this shit inside. Because I know it’s exactly that, shit. It’s my own mind, my own emotions betraying me. And I feel them all. Over and over and over. There’s no end to them. Never. So I want to protect the people I care about. I want to shade them from all of this darkness. They would be so much better off without me. That’s my reality. The people I love the most in this world, I want them to be free of me. Because this, this is a fucking ugly reality. And no one should have to live through it.


in time and place.

She is beginning to consume my thoughts. In all truth, she has for quite some time. Not quite ready to use her name is that would make it very real. A very real part of my story. So for now, I will call her K. The girl in North Carolina. The one who, against all odds, has captured my attention. All of it. I could downplay what is occurring. But this is the place where I promised to lay bare all of my dirty little secrets. So I will not lie to you. Any more that I can lie to myself. I feel for her. I feel a lot. In ways that should not be happening. Because I still have yet to see her in person. I still do not know what it feels like to hold her in my arms. But still, I feel.

I think that it is because of the distance that this relationship, because let’s be honest that’s what it is, is getting to me the way that it is. All we currently have is communication. Which has always been lacking in every previous relationship that I have had. Even though thoughts and emotions constantly flow through me, I am bad at communication. Sometimes it is because I am scared to share what goes through my mind. What fills my heart. Sometimes it is because it is too much for anyone to know. But sometimes it is because I can’t find the words to express how I am feeling. I can’t put words to exactly what it is inside me. So in every relationship I move fast and make a person fall for me and we proceed from there. But every time, the communication throughout the relationship is lacking. But this, well all we have is communication. It is the only thing connecting us. And to see her name appear on my phone, it gives me butterflies. It puts an instant smile on my face. Even now, over two months later. She still gets to me. And I don’t know exactly what that means. I want her. I need her. I crave to be next to her. But then there are the doubts. The questions. The fears. Because she is 1600 miles away. An entire country separates us. And how can I fall in love with someone who I have not only seen, but I can’t drive to in a single day.

My friends, well, they’re concerned. They have seen me destroyed by love. By people. They do not want that to happen again. Some believe she is just using me as a distraction from her left. That this is never meant to be real. That we will never truly meet. There are those who believe that she is hiding things from me. Because with some on the other side of the country, it is so easy to hide so much of yourself. I mean, look at me, I’m hiding my BPD. I’m able to hide it because she does not have to see me cry at night. I do not have to explain certain behavior to her. Because she does not need to know the reality of my day to day life. It’s not that I hide everything from her. But I have hidden the worst parts of myself. With her, I’m able to be the person that I want the world to know. Not all good. She knows most everything about me. Just not the BPD. Not that. But if I am able to hide that from her, as my friends say, imagine what she could be hiding from me. And then there are those that think maybe there is a chance for us. However they are cautious and worried. I get where they all are coming from. I do understand. If this was someone else living this story and telling me about it, well I’d probably feel the same way. I’d tell them all the same things that I am being told. And hoped that they would listen. But I’m not listening. My heart won’t let me. This feels like it is meant for something. I just wish I knew what.

And as for her, well she opens up with me. I know things about her that I know, I know, she does not share with others. Because I have heard her talk to others. And it’s not how she talks to me. And that’s the side that no one else sees. Or can understand. I do not feel all of these things on my own. It is a shared experience. I just don’t know where I am supposed to go from here. Do I continue to feel? Even though this could end badly. Do I do what my friends are telling me to do and just try not to get to serious? But it is already serious. So what do I do? I know what my heart is telling me. But my heart is not always right. My heart has led me to some very bad places. My heart has been broken too bad by decisions that felt right at the time. So what do I do this time? I don’t want to lose her. But I also don’t want to end up destroyed. Again. I can’t go through that again. Not right now. But what if she’s the one thing keeping me together? To love means you open yourself up to someone. You give them the knife that can cut right through you. And yet have the faith that they will never use it. Love is always a risk. For anyone. But what do I do when I cannot absorb the hurt like anyone else? What if I feel more than most. And hurt more as well. Because that’s what I am. But maybe, in this time and place, she is the one that is meant to put the broken pieces back together. She has already started the process. She says she has duct tape for the rest. Maybe duct tape will do the job that nothing else has been able to. Maybe it is worth the risk of being ripped apart. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being stupid. That’s the problem. I can’t even trust my own feelings. That’s the worst part. I can never trust myself or what I feel. But just maybe, in this time and place……


stuck.

I feel very stuck in life right now. I know a lot of people feel that way. But most people don’t also have the addition of BPD to the equation. For a lot of my life, I am very impulsive. Name it and I’ve probably done it at some point in time. I know that sounds bad, but it’s the truth. Sometimes my impulsivity has been a good thing. People envy me for it. But if they knew the truth they’d realize that it’s not a very good quality to have. It’s not that I don’t consider consequences. Well actually, I guess in that moment I don’t. Or if I do I just put them aside to worry about after the fact. But impulsivity has lead me down some very bad roads. And all I want right now is just to move to a new place. A fresh start. I need a new horizon to look at. New people to meet and know. I know that person that I am meant to be with is not where I currently am. Don’t ask me how I know that because I don’t really know. I just know it. I feel it deep inside my soul. Plus the gay community in my city is very small. Very very small. And I never want to be a part of it. Because it is nothing but drama. I don’t want to date someone that has dated half of the other people in town. Nor do I want to date someone that is part of the “scene”. I do everything I can to stay away from that life. The majority of my friends are straight and I am completely ok with that. I don’t go out to the bars and clubs. It’s just not for me. I mean, I’m down to go play pool at a dive bar or listen to live music, but I’m not one to party and dance and drink until 3 in the morning. Plus, that lifestyle isn’t good for me. Being around alcohol so much isn’t good. Learned that the hard way and I’m trying to be better. So in the end, I just don’t feel like this is the place for me personally. But the problem is, my support system is here. See, that’s where the BPD factor comes into play. I have learned that I need my support system. I need my family. I need my friends that know everything about me and know how to talk me down or be there for me. I need that. I wouldn’t be here still if I didn’t have that. If I was in a place and didn’t have them, I don’t think it’d be good. If I was left to my own devices, I don’t know what would happen. But it’s still in me that I need to be somewhere else. But how do I do that? It’s a conscious decision to be away from the people who have kept me alive. Is that really a smart decision? But what if I never find what I am looking for here. What if I am never happy here. What’s the point of being alive if I’m not happy? I am at a loss at what to do. Stay somewhere where I am fairly certain I have the support system in place to ensure I stay alive. Or search somewhere else for the happiness that eludes me here, but if I get in trouble I do not know that I will be able to handle it on my own or stay alive. I know the answer is that my life is worth more. But like I said, what’s the point of being alive if I don’t have what I want most in life?


what if.

So. I’ve been talking to this girl from North Carolina that I met online. Well, technically it wasn’t really “online”. Somehow, I seriously have no idea how, I found her on Instagram. Yeah, I know, no one meets on Instagram. But that’s where I found her. And on her home page she had listed her screenname for a messenger service. I was in a state of mind where I just wanted a distraction from life. I wanted to talk to someone, anyone, to get my mind off everything. So I figured what the hell, and I downloaded the messenger app and sent her a message. To be honest, I never thought she’d write back. Or even if she did, I expected us to talk for maybe a day, two days at most, and then we would both lose interest. But at the time, that’s all I wanted. Just a couple days of distraction.

Well. Here we are, two months later, and we talk constantly. There hasn’t been a single day where we haven’t talked all day. We talk on the phone every night when we get the chance, which is huge for me because I absolutely hate talking on the phone. Seriously, I hate it. I don’t do it. But I will with her. I love the sound of her voice. Okay, to be honest, I also love her southern accent, but that’s part of her voice. And before you ask, yes we have even Facetimed so I know that she’s real and I’m not being catfished. Hey, in this day and age, you never know! But no, this girl is real. And I can’t lie, I feel an awful lot for her. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing though given that I’ve never met her in person. We don’t have a set date yet to meet, but we both know it needs to be soon. Feeling as much as we do for each other, we need to see each other and find out if it truly is real or not.

The only thing that scares me though is that she doesn’t know yet that I have BPD. Ugh. I go back and forth about it in my head all the time. I am usually very upfront about it to people that enter my life and especially people that I’m dating. But it’s because at some point and time, if they have to deal with some of the symptoms of the disorder, then I want them to understand what is going on. I don’t tell everyone in my life. Only the people that I see myself spending a significant amount of time with and have the highest chance of witnessing the disorder firsthand. I want people to know so that they’re aware, but also so they have the chance to leave if they feel they aren’t able to handle it. I would rather have someone leave early on because of the disorder then for me to get attached (well I attach quickly, but I mean getting super attached) and then them abandon me later on. But this scenario that I’m currently in doesn’t fit the normal pattern. I’m not around her all the time. She isn’t going to witness anything. And the thought of telling her terrifies me. I mean, she’s told me that she’s never going to leave. But I’ve heard that before. Not saying I don’t believe her, but when she says that she’s probably thinking about mundane things that I may tell her about me. Not BPD. It’s intense and emotional and I am broken inside because of it. I mean, not everything with the disorder is bad. I love fiercely because of it and can be extremely loyal to those I hold close to me. But it’s still a disorder that defines my life. It defines……me.

The other night we were talking about the Twilight movies. And she told me that it was one of her favorite love stories. When I asked her why, she responded that it was because Bella fell in love with the one person she was never meant to love. And then she said, “Against all of the odds, she fell in love with a monster. And suddenly, because of her love, he wasn’t such a monster anymore.” That statement gave me chills. Because most of the time, I feel like a monster. I feel that there’s this beast inside of me that I have to maintain control of. A monster lurking underneath, just waiting to find a way out. I wanted to tell her right then and there, “But I really am a monster!” Of course I didn’t. But I fought back the urge too. Her statement made me wonder though, if someone truly loved me and took care of me, would I still be a monster? Could unconditional love fix even just a small part of me that’s broken? I don’t have an answer to that question because I’ve never had unconditional love from a partner. I mean I have it from my parents, my sister, my closest friends, but never from someone I literally shared a life with. But what if she’s real? What if she’s who I’m meant to be with? No one meets on Instagram. No one. But somehow, we did. Against all of the odds. Maybe every choice has lead me to her for a reason. What if she’s the one to save me? I’ve been through enough to be weary about the situation. Especially since we haven’t met yet. I’m not that naïve anymore. I know how the world works. I know how my world works. But……what if?


the lyrics.

Music soothes my soul. If I didn’t have music, I don’t know what I would do. I saw a quote the other day that said, “When you are happy you enjoy the beat. When you are sad you understand the lyrics.” That’s exactly how I am. I have a lot of songs that have amazing beats and I can jam out to them in my car. But I also have a large amount of songs that I listen to because I relate to what is being said. It is almost as if the music is giving a voice to everything inside of me that would otherwise remain unsaid. So in honor of this I am going to provide a look into my mind as it relates to lyrics. The lyrics that I relate to the most. It is how I view myself. How I view my world. How I view the deepest parts within me. These are my hopes and dreams. And also the most broken pieces. These lyrics are the voice that I wouldn’t have otherwise.

“You saw my pain. Washed out in the rain. And broken glass. Saw the blood run from my veins. But you saw no fault. No cracks in my heart. And you knelt beside. My hope torn apart. But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view. And we’ll live a long life. So give me hope in the darkness. That I will see the light. Cause oh, they gave me such a fright. But I will hold, as long as you like. Just promise me we will be alright.”
Mumford & Sons – Ghosts That We Knew

“Hey now, this is my desire. Consume me like a fire. Cause I just want something beautiful to touch me. I know that I’m in reach. Cause I am down on my knees. Waiting for, something beautiful.”
Needtobreathe – Something Beautiful

“She loves her mama’s lemonade. Hates the sound that goodbyes make. She prays one day she’ll find someone to need her. She swears that there’s no difference between the lies and compliments. It’s all the same if everybody leaves her.”
Jon McLaughlin – Beautiful Disaster

“I’ll let you look inside me. Through the stains and through the cracks. And in the darkness of this moment, you’ll see the good and bad. But try not to judge me. Because we’ve walked down different paths.”
Thompson Square – Glass

“Feeling my way through the darkness. Guided by a beating heart. I can’t tell where the journey will end. But I know where to start. They tell me I’m too young to understand. They say I’m caught up in a dream. Well life will pass me by if I don’t open up my eyes. Well that’s fine by me. So wake me up when it’s all over. When I’m wiser and I’m older. All this time I was finding myself. And I, I didn’t know I was lost.”
Avicii – Wake Me Up

“I wanna hide the truth. I wanna shelter you. But with the beast inside, there’s nowhere we can hide. No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed. This is my kingdom come. This is my kingdom come. When you feel my heat, look into my eyes. It’s where my demons hide. It’s where my demons hide. Don’t get too close. It’s dark inside.”
Imagine Dragons – Demons

“Cause everything that you thought I would be, is falling apart right in front of you. Every step that I take is another mistake to you. And every second I waste is more than I can take. I’ve become so numb. I can’t feel you there. Become so tired. So much more aware. I’m becoming this. All I want to do. Is be more like me. And be less like you. And I know I may end up failing too. But I know, you were just like me. With someone disappointed in you.”
Linkin Park – Numb

“Ever since I could remember, everything inside of me just wanted to fit in. I was never one for pretenders. Everything I tried to be just wouldn’t settle in. If I told you what I was, would you turn your back on me? And if I seemed dangerous, would you be scared? I get the feeling just because everything I touch isn’t dark enough, that this problem lies in me. I’m only a man with a candle to guide me. I’m taking a stand to escape what’s inside of me. A monster, a monster, I’ve turned into a monster. A monster, a monster, and it keeps getting stronger. Can I clear my conscience if I’m different from the rest? Do I have to run and hide? I never said that I want this. This burden came to me. And it’s made its home inside.”
Imagine Dragons – Monster