Tag Archives: broken

a promise broken.

He vowed to love her. For better or worse. For rich or poor. To love her to the best of his ability for not only the rest of her life, but for the remainder of his as well. He promised to cherish her. But the reality, he is a promise broken.

One of the only ways I can explain what is inside of me is to say that it is an abyss. A swirling mass of emotions that sometimes rages. Sometimes calms. Sometimes swirls along at the bottom of my consciousness. And then soars to the very top of me. Covering every inch. Sometimes I stare down into the abyss. Standing at the very edge with my tiptoes on the ledge. And I look down into the emptiness and nothingness that is at the core of me. Sometimes it takes everything I have to not just jump in and finally allow the darkness to take me. Because it beckons me. Calls my name. Now the little girl that I used to chase around the house to hear her laughter. The little girl that I have shared every secret with, every smile, every tear, every hope and dream with, is staring into that same abyss within herself. And I do not know if I can stop her from creeping to the edge.
I don’t think she even truly understands what is happening. This is a new feeling for her. I know the abyss well. And while she has not had an easy life by a long shot, she has never faced the strength of that pull into darkness. To just succumb to the emptiness. She does not know what awaits at the bottom. I made my own promise to her long ago. I promised to always protect her. But now, I do not know if I can keep that promise. It is out of my hands. And I do not want to become yet another promise broken.

Last night I went over to spend time with my sister and niece and nephew. It was supposed to be an escape for both of us. An escape for me from the health issues that I have been struggling with lately. And a chance for her to get some help with the kids so she could get a couple moments to breathe. It turned into a nightmare.

My sister and her mom got into a screaming match. They are both wrought with emotion and strung as tight as can be. My aunt (that’s what I call my sister’s mom) is scared out of her mind that my sister will return to my brother in law. She is scared that my sister is breaking down into nothing, and that there is nothing we can do. My sister, on the other hand, is shattered. On the brink of a complete nervous breakdown. Unaware of the true extent of her brokenness. And so both of them just exploded against each other. Taking all of those other emotions out on each other. My sister was drunk and continued to drink. My aunt left the house for hours. I tried to talk to my sister, as I took care of the kids, but she could hear nothing that I said. She is so consumed with wanting her “family” back that she cannot see anything else. It is almost as though she has not examined her face enough to see the bruises that still circle her eyes. The marks on her neck that are only just now beginning to fade. I want to scream at her, “Look in the mirror! Look a little closer! A little longer! Truly see what he did to you!” But it would be no use. She is beyond words at this point. She would not hear me even if she was looking into my eyes as I spoke. She is in denial. I know this. But she is also about to jump into the abyss. With pure abandon. With both feet. And she doesn’t even know it.

It breaks my heart. It has broken me. And my niece and nephew, I want to protect them as well. The first time I held my nephew in my arms, I whispered into his ear that I would protect and take care of him to the best of my ability for the rest of my life. And I did the same with my niece. But from this, I don’t know how to save them. Any of them. “Well baby, mommy is going crazy and no longer knows what way is up. Yes, mommy is crying all the time because she’s sad. Yes, mommy’s face is black and blue, but there is no bandaid that can fix it. No baby, daddy is not going to come home soon.” I do not want to be a promise broken. But I have no idea how to destroy the abyss. It lives within me. I don’t want it to live within them as well. I promised.


let go.

I really don’t want to write about this right now. It’s still way too fresh. But I feel that I should. Because otherwise I will never write about it. Or talk about it again. I will bottle it inside with everything else that resides in there. It will come to me in nightmares and moments of emotional upheaval. But I won’t talk about it. So, here I am talking about. Hopefully this helps. Fuck, I hope it helps take it away from my shattered heart. I will divulge every moment of this event in hopes that it will purge it from my mind.

I work in an office building where the first 11 floors are a parking garage. I hardly ever go onto the parking garage floors except during the summertime. Because I work across the street from a minor league baseball field. So during the summer I’ll go to the 11th floor where you can have a perfect view of the field and I’ll watch some of the games on my lunch. But during the winter time I hardly ever go there. Well, I have been feeling so broken lately that today on my break I went to the 11th floor to just get some fresh air. I wish I could take that decision back.

I watched a woman commit suicide today. When I walked onto the floor I walked over to the edge so that I could look down at the river that flows next to my building. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement. I turned and saw a woman standing on the ledge holding on the guardrail. I called out to her and she looked me straight in the eyes. Then, she let go. I couldn’t get to her in time. I looked down and saw her lifeless body on the sidewalk. Blood everywhere.

Even saying it now, it sounds like a movie. One of the moments where time stops and everything feels in slow motion. But unfortunately this was real. And I couldn’t get to her in time. The look on her face, in her eyes, is replaying in my mind. Because I know that look. I’ve had that look. The look of giving up. Of desperation. Of deep rooted pain. I know that look. And in that one second in which she looked at me, she gave up. She let go.

To be honest, I don’t really know what I’m feeling right now. I was shaking most of the day. Now, I just feel numb. Like my body cycled through too many emotions during the day and now has just shut down. I just wish I could stop replaying it in my mind. I don’t know that woman’s name. I don’t know her story or what led her to that point. But I know what she felt in that moment. I just wish I had been able to get to her. I know this isn’t on me. I know she had made her choice long before I crossed her path, however brief it might have been. I just wish I had been able to get to her. I wish she wouldn’t have let go.

broken mind.

Well, here’s the broken part of the BPD. Here’s the ugliness. I try and hide it from everyone in my life. Even from you. But, here it is. Maybe it’s time I bring a little more truth into this blog. And the truth is, I don’t want to be here anymore. It hurts too much to be here. I live my life for everyone else. I hide so much of myself from the world because I don’t want them to know what truly lives inside of me. I protect my loved ones because I don’t want them to know the truth. I want to protect them from all of this ugliness. I never want them to know this. But here it is. I can go from being completely fine to being shattered in pieces in five minutes. Read all you want about BPD. Every article you can find. Nothing can explain what this feels like. This constant ache inside that nothing can ever feel. Feeling so many emotions that you feel like you’re basically going to jump out of your skin because you can’t handle it. No words on a piece of paper can ever come close to explaining what it feels like to want to die because you can no longer handle the hurt inside. I fight. Every single fucking day I fight. But for what? Just to make it through the day? Just to wake up so I can do it all over again? Do you even know what that feels like? I am an internal borderline. Some call it a “quiet borderline”. Whatever you wanna call it, I am more broken inside then I will ever be able to put into words. I live for other people. I don’t know how to live for myself. But I live for them. For their happiness. But in an instant that can change. I think they don’t care. Don’t text me back and I think you hate me. Don’t talk to me as much as you normally do, I think you no longer love me. That’s the fucking reality. But i never say it. I keep all this shit inside. Because I know it’s exactly that, shit. It’s my own mind, my own emotions betraying me. And I feel them all. Over and over and over. There’s no end to them. Never. So I want to protect the people I care about. I want to shade them from all of this darkness. They would be so much better off without me. That’s my reality. The people I love the most in this world, I want them to be free of me. Because this, this is a fucking ugly reality. And no one should have to live through it.

the lyrics.

Music soothes my soul. If I didn’t have music, I don’t know what I would do. I saw a quote the other day that said, “When you are happy you enjoy the beat. When you are sad you understand the lyrics.” That’s exactly how I am. I have a lot of songs that have amazing beats and I can jam out to them in my car. But I also have a large amount of songs that I listen to because I relate to what is being said. It is almost as if the music is giving a voice to everything inside of me that would otherwise remain unsaid. So in honor of this I am going to provide a look into my mind as it relates to lyrics. The lyrics that I relate to the most. It is how I view myself. How I view my world. How I view the deepest parts within me. These are my hopes and dreams. And also the most broken pieces. These lyrics are the voice that I wouldn’t have otherwise.

“You saw my pain. Washed out in the rain. And broken glass. Saw the blood run from my veins. But you saw no fault. No cracks in my heart. And you knelt beside. My hope torn apart. But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view. And we’ll live a long life. So give me hope in the darkness. That I will see the light. Cause oh, they gave me such a fright. But I will hold, as long as you like. Just promise me we will be alright.”
Mumford & Sons – Ghosts That We Knew

“Hey now, this is my desire. Consume me like a fire. Cause I just want something beautiful to touch me. I know that I’m in reach. Cause I am down on my knees. Waiting for, something beautiful.”
Needtobreathe – Something Beautiful

“She loves her mama’s lemonade. Hates the sound that goodbyes make. She prays one day she’ll find someone to need her. She swears that there’s no difference between the lies and compliments. It’s all the same if everybody leaves her.”
Jon McLaughlin – Beautiful Disaster

“I’ll let you look inside me. Through the stains and through the cracks. And in the darkness of this moment, you’ll see the good and bad. But try not to judge me. Because we’ve walked down different paths.”
Thompson Square – Glass

“Feeling my way through the darkness. Guided by a beating heart. I can’t tell where the journey will end. But I know where to start. They tell me I’m too young to understand. They say I’m caught up in a dream. Well life will pass me by if I don’t open up my eyes. Well that’s fine by me. So wake me up when it’s all over. When I’m wiser and I’m older. All this time I was finding myself. And I, I didn’t know I was lost.”
Avicii – Wake Me Up

“I wanna hide the truth. I wanna shelter you. But with the beast inside, there’s nowhere we can hide. No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed. This is my kingdom come. This is my kingdom come. When you feel my heat, look into my eyes. It’s where my demons hide. It’s where my demons hide. Don’t get too close. It’s dark inside.”
Imagine Dragons – Demons

“Cause everything that you thought I would be, is falling apart right in front of you. Every step that I take is another mistake to you. And every second I waste is more than I can take. I’ve become so numb. I can’t feel you there. Become so tired. So much more aware. I’m becoming this. All I want to do. Is be more like me. And be less like you. And I know I may end up failing too. But I know, you were just like me. With someone disappointed in you.”
Linkin Park – Numb

“Ever since I could remember, everything inside of me just wanted to fit in. I was never one for pretenders. Everything I tried to be just wouldn’t settle in. If I told you what I was, would you turn your back on me? And if I seemed dangerous, would you be scared? I get the feeling just because everything I touch isn’t dark enough, that this problem lies in me. I’m only a man with a candle to guide me. I’m taking a stand to escape what’s inside of me. A monster, a monster, I’ve turned into a monster. A monster, a monster, and it keeps getting stronger. Can I clear my conscience if I’m different from the rest? Do I have to run and hide? I never said that I want this. This burden came to me. And it’s made its home inside.”
Imagine Dragons – Monster

last night. *caution: may be triggering*

Last night I broke down. I have a phobia of throwing up or feeling nauseous (emetophobia) and it occasionally gets really severe. It affects what I eat, where I eat, and I have a fear of germs because I’m terrified of getting the stomach flu. Well, last night I surprised my girlfriend by making her dinner. When she was making herself some tea before we went up to bed she discovered that some of the cups that were in the cupboard weren’t clean. I immediately freaked out thinking that I hadn’t run the dishwasher like I thought I had and so I had accidentally put away dirty dishes. One of the dishes had contained raw chicken and so I began panicking that we would get salmonella poisoning. My girlfriend battles with emotional issues of her own and so she got upset with me for freaking out. Which is pretty much the worst reaction you could have to me. It only causes me to freak out more and get angry. I can usually contain my anger pretty well, I’ve become fairly good at it over time. And I know that when I have those surges of emotions they will fade after a while so I just keep it in because I know it’ll eventually go away. But sometimes I lose that battle. Sometimes I just let the emotions overtake me. And I don’t really know it’s happening until it’s over and I look back on it. But in that moment, those emotions are my reality. I can rationalize what I’m feeling. It feels right. We fought over really nothing. But at the moment, I couldn’t hold back my impulsive emotions. My girlfriend eventually left the room and went into the spare room. When someone does something like that, it causes me to panic. I think they’re gonna leave. That they’re never coming back. Doesn’t make sense, I know. Sometimes people just need a little space for a while. I can rationalize that in my brain. But in that moment, my impulses take over. I can’t control my actions. In other words, I freak out. To an extreme. I started yelling things that I knew I did not mean. But I couldn’t stop myself. I went back to my room and grabbed one of my pocket knives and practically had to talk myself out of cutting into my thigh. I guess it’s a triumph that I didn’t give in to my desire to cut. Yeah, that’s great and all. But it took every ounce of energy I had to fight it. I sat there bawling my eyes out and spun the knife in my hand. The coldness of the blade felt amazing against my skin. To be honest, I have been struggling with the desire to cut for the last couple weeks. I want it so bad. What’s wrong with me? I don’t know how I kept myself from doing it. That’s not a triumph to me. That’s not a success. And the worst part about the whole thing? Fifteen minutes later we had reasoned with ourselves and were fine. Just like I knew in the back of my mind we would be. After that initial surge of emotion, I knew everything would be ok. But I can only tell myself that now looking back on it.

But what that moment did is reaffirm to me that I’m still so broken inside. I can sit here and say “Oh the meds have done wonders. My therapy is really helping. I feel great.” But really, I don’t. I’m not okay. I can still find ways to sabotage the relationships in my life. I cause the pain that my rational brain prays that I don’t have. Everything is still just a complete mess inside. The meds just numb me so that I don’t feel it. But it’s still all there. Just lurking, waiting for the opportunity to come out. I am my own worst enemy. And it’s never going to go away. People have told me that I like to play the “victim”. Or that I use my BPD as an “excuse” for my behavior. But I don’t want to be a fucking victim. I don’t want this. And I don’t use my disorder as an excuse. It just us what it is. I try so hard to be normal, but I don’t even know what that means anymore. No one understands. No one. And I don’t know how to explain it any better than I already have. I never really thought about how numb I feel. I just think that being numb is so much better than feeling too much. Because, well, it is. This is better than what I was six months ago. But I’m not better. Not even a little bit. It’s just a lie to myself. Everything is still there inside. I’m still the same person I was six months ago. Broken as ever. Fuck.