Tag Archives: journey

the greatest battle.

Two months ago today I was in a severe car accident. It was just me. I was drunk. I don’t remember anything from the actual accident. Partly because of the drinking. But mostly because I sustained a severe concussion. I was in an out of consciousness. I flipped my car down a hill. I vaguely remember the firefighters there trying to get me out of the car. The next thing I remember was being in the hospital. Miraculously I didn’t break anything. Even luckier still, I didn’t get a citation for the accident or a DUI. I still don’t know how. But that’s the truth. They told me the only reason I survived was because I had been wearing my seatbelt.

During my stay in the ER they did a complete CT scan on me. Everything turned out normal, except for the fact that I had an abnormal amount of urine in my bladder. I have battled kidney stones and infections for years now, but after this, my doctor began to become concerned. So I was sent to a urologist and testing. They determined that there is an extreme amount of blood in my urine. Looking back over my records, there has always been blood in my urine. Every time it was chalked up to the fact that I had a kidney stone and pain when my urine was tested. But now, it was raising concern as it was a pattern that before had gone unnoticed.

I am still going through testing. My bladder is three times normal size. It is severely inflamed inside and bleeding. I am having constant bladder and kidney pain, which is abnormal. At first they dismissed the idea of cancer because they said I’m too young. But now, as all other possible causes are being ruled out, it is becoming more likely.

To say I am terrified would be an understatement. The irony of all of it is that for the past couple of years I have fought so hard to control the BPD. I have fought to keep myself alive. I have fought against the pull of the abyss. I have fought to create a better life for myself. I thought BPD would be my life’s greatest battle. But in this, I am powerless. I fought to keep myself alive against myself. But I may be facing down a battle that I have no control over. I might have to fight against unseen forces that I can’t quantify or explain. I am scared. I am lost. I am at a loss for words.

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journey.

There’s so much to tell that I don’t even know where to start. Honestly. I feel like the last couple weeks have been a haze of extreme lows and highs. And everything in between. There are moments of clarity. And moments of despair. But I guess I’ll start from the beginning. Or as close to it as I can come.

I discussed in earlier posts how much was going on in my life at one time. It was overwhelming. And I knew that it was. But even then, I didn’t fully grasp how damaging it had become to me. The girl from North Carolina (Kayla) had been distant for weeks. But was starting to text me and attempt to come back into my life. It messed me up inside because I did not know what to do. My heart was struggling with my mind. And with every text, the words cut deeper into me. We had discovered that the tumor was inside my sister’s ovary. She was going to need surgery to completely remove her left ovary. One of my really good friends and I had had a falling out. It was a mess of a situation. And even that is an understatement. She was living with me and in the span of a couple texts our entire friendship had been blown up and in the course of two days she removed herself entirely from my house and, at the time, my life. I was destroyed. I hate people leaving. And I was facing all of this at a time when I was extremely emotionally fragile as I was still dealing with the reality of watching a woman kill herself. I thought I could handle it all. I thought I was ok. But really what I was doing was shoving everything so deep down because I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t deal with any of it. And especially not all at once. I tried every coping mechanism I knew and had been taught. But I was a bomb waiting to explode.

Three weeks ago to the day, that bomb finally exploded. I was broken about my sister. I was upset about Kayla. I was hurt about my friendship. I was lost within myself. And so I made the decision to visit my friend at the bar she works at when I got off work. I then got a text from two other friends, as it was one of their birthdays, and so I decided that I would meet up with them later on in the night. I didn’t eat much that day as my anxiety was too high so I wasn’t hungry. But I drank. A lot. More than I realized. And, for reasons that are still unknown to me and my friends, I decided to leave the bar. The next thing I remember is hanging from my seatbelt in my car. Somehow I got myself out and crashed to the bottom of my car. You see, I had flipped my car and was at the bottom of a hill. I was in and out of consciousness and only vaguely remember the firemen getting there and telling me that they would get me out. My car was so damaged that they had to cut me out. After that everything is very fuzzy and jumbled.

I don’t remember anything about the accident. I really don’t. It’s all just a blank in my head. It is only partially because of the alcohol, but mostly because I had a severe concussion. They told me that the only reason I escaped with only minor injuries was because I had been wearing my seatbelt. Otherwise they are convinced that I would have died. To say that I am lucky is an understatement.

I have done a lot of soul searching these last couple weeks. I know I need to make changes in my life. And have begun that process. I don’t know why I survived. I don’t know why I’m not in prison because my blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit. But somehow, for some reason, I’m here. I got a second chance. The problem is, all of the broken pieces are still inside. And I am attempting to put them back together. I blocked North Carolina from my phone so that I can no longer receive text messages from her. She wasn’t good in my life and continuing to receive her texts would just continue to mess me up inside. I now have a girlfriend. I have technically been talking to her for just about a month and a half, but we only became official last week. She stood by me after the accident and has continued to be an amazing addition to my life. She also has a five year old daughter who has changed my life in ways I never thought imaginable. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to be a parent. But I do know that I am willing to do anything for her. They both have added so much goodness to my life. They have enriched me. And I think they are also part of my second chance. I think they were meant to be my second chance at the life I have always wanted. I don’t know if I’m strong enough. But what I do know is that with them, I am willing to try with everything I have. I am here for a reason. That much was proven to me. And I want to find out the why. After all, it is not the destination that matters, it is the journey. And my journey continues on.


the lyrics.

Music soothes my soul. If I didn’t have music, I don’t know what I would do. I saw a quote the other day that said, “When you are happy you enjoy the beat. When you are sad you understand the lyrics.” That’s exactly how I am. I have a lot of songs that have amazing beats and I can jam out to them in my car. But I also have a large amount of songs that I listen to because I relate to what is being said. It is almost as if the music is giving a voice to everything inside of me that would otherwise remain unsaid. So in honor of this I am going to provide a look into my mind as it relates to lyrics. The lyrics that I relate to the most. It is how I view myself. How I view my world. How I view the deepest parts within me. These are my hopes and dreams. And also the most broken pieces. These lyrics are the voice that I wouldn’t have otherwise.

“You saw my pain. Washed out in the rain. And broken glass. Saw the blood run from my veins. But you saw no fault. No cracks in my heart. And you knelt beside. My hope torn apart. But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view. And we’ll live a long life. So give me hope in the darkness. That I will see the light. Cause oh, they gave me such a fright. But I will hold, as long as you like. Just promise me we will be alright.”
Mumford & Sons – Ghosts That We Knew

“Hey now, this is my desire. Consume me like a fire. Cause I just want something beautiful to touch me. I know that I’m in reach. Cause I am down on my knees. Waiting for, something beautiful.”
Needtobreathe – Something Beautiful

“She loves her mama’s lemonade. Hates the sound that goodbyes make. She prays one day she’ll find someone to need her. She swears that there’s no difference between the lies and compliments. It’s all the same if everybody leaves her.”
Jon McLaughlin – Beautiful Disaster

“I’ll let you look inside me. Through the stains and through the cracks. And in the darkness of this moment, you’ll see the good and bad. But try not to judge me. Because we’ve walked down different paths.”
Thompson Square – Glass

“Feeling my way through the darkness. Guided by a beating heart. I can’t tell where the journey will end. But I know where to start. They tell me I’m too young to understand. They say I’m caught up in a dream. Well life will pass me by if I don’t open up my eyes. Well that’s fine by me. So wake me up when it’s all over. When I’m wiser and I’m older. All this time I was finding myself. And I, I didn’t know I was lost.”
Avicii – Wake Me Up

“I wanna hide the truth. I wanna shelter you. But with the beast inside, there’s nowhere we can hide. No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed. This is my kingdom come. This is my kingdom come. When you feel my heat, look into my eyes. It’s where my demons hide. It’s where my demons hide. Don’t get too close. It’s dark inside.”
Imagine Dragons – Demons

“Cause everything that you thought I would be, is falling apart right in front of you. Every step that I take is another mistake to you. And every second I waste is more than I can take. I’ve become so numb. I can’t feel you there. Become so tired. So much more aware. I’m becoming this. All I want to do. Is be more like me. And be less like you. And I know I may end up failing too. But I know, you were just like me. With someone disappointed in you.”
Linkin Park – Numb

“Ever since I could remember, everything inside of me just wanted to fit in. I was never one for pretenders. Everything I tried to be just wouldn’t settle in. If I told you what I was, would you turn your back on me? And if I seemed dangerous, would you be scared? I get the feeling just because everything I touch isn’t dark enough, that this problem lies in me. I’m only a man with a candle to guide me. I’m taking a stand to escape what’s inside of me. A monster, a monster, I’ve turned into a monster. A monster, a monster, and it keeps getting stronger. Can I clear my conscience if I’m different from the rest? Do I have to run and hide? I never said that I want this. This burden came to me. And it’s made its home inside.”
Imagine Dragons – Monster


90 days to freedom

Silhouette of a woman in a cave looking at her...

Image via Wikipedia

The last few months have forced me to do a lot of deep soul searching.  It hasn’t been very fun.  Or pleasant.  Honestly, I wish I didn’t have to deal with this at all.  But I do.  And I have had to come up with answers to questions that I have avoided for years.  During this time I have come up with only one truth.  I do not want my disorder to define me.  Borderline Personality Disorder will not define me.  I refuse.  But I know it will have to take this journey in steps.  I can only do one thing at a time.  As hard as that is to accept, I know it is the only way.

So the first thing I know I need to do is make some changes within myself.  Because if I don’t, I know that I will not survive this.  That is not meant to be a dramatic statement.  It’s just the truth.  I fear that if I do not take control now, eventually I will lose control permanently.  The worst part is that this fight, it’s basically against myself.  Against my own mind.  It’s so hard to explain unless you’ve been there.  Been so out of control that you can’t even recognize yourself, but at the same time, you can’t stop it.  It’s very hard for me to control my impulses.  Especially when it comes to alcohol.  What makes it worse is that I have a very high tolerance for alcohol.  Always have.  Except now, with one of the medicines that I’m on, it takes only one shot to make me blackout.  Just one single shot.  And I have learned this the hard way.  Multiple times.  And through these lessons I have hurt some of the people that I love the most.  And I have come very close to hurting myself to the point that I would not come back.  So I feel that this is the first thing I need to take control of.  So with that notion, I have made a decision.  I will remain completely sober for the next 90 days.  To some that may seem like such an easy goal to accomplish.  But to me, it sounds almost impossible.  But I know that if I can do this, if I can take this drastic first step, then anything can be possible.  And I want so badly for anything to be possible.

I also have more motivation for this than just for myself.  Because to be honest, some days I do not think that I am worth it.  That my life is not worth the work.  But there is someone that I will never falter in believing that they are worth it.  His name is Austin.  He is my 14-month old godson and nephew.  And he is everything to me.  I remember holding him on the first day of his life and I had never before experienced that feeling of such unconditional love.  At that moment I knew that I would do anything for him.  I would do anything to make his life as good as possible and make sure he had everything that I never did when it came to family.  But I need to be around in order to accomplish that.  So for him, I will push myself to be better.  Because I want him to have the best in this life.  And that includes the best of me.

They say that the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step, right?  Well.  Here is my first step.  This is where I start.  90 days of sobriety. 90 days to my first attempt at freedom.  And I hope that whoever reads this, if anyone reads this, will be with me every step of the way.  Wherever you are.  If you’re there.  Because I really don’t think I can do this alone.