So. I’ve been talking to this girl from North Carolina that I met online. Well, technically it wasn’t really “online”. Somehow, I seriously have no idea how, I found her on Instagram. Yeah, I know, no one meets on Instagram. But that’s where I found her. And on her home page she had listed her screenname for a messenger service. I was in a state of mind where I just wanted a distraction from life. I wanted to talk to someone, anyone, to get my mind off everything. So I figured what the hell, and I downloaded the messenger app and sent her a message. To be honest, I never thought she’d write back. Or even if she did, I expected us to talk for maybe a day, two days at most, and then we would both lose interest. But at the time, that’s all I wanted. Just a couple days of distraction.
Well. Here we are, two months later, and we talk constantly. There hasn’t been a single day where we haven’t talked all day. We talk on the phone every night when we get the chance, which is huge for me because I absolutely hate talking on the phone. Seriously, I hate it. I don’t do it. But I will with her. I love the sound of her voice. Okay, to be honest, I also love her southern accent, but that’s part of her voice. And before you ask, yes we have even Facetimed so I know that she’s real and I’m not being catfished. Hey, in this day and age, you never know! But no, this girl is real. And I can’t lie, I feel an awful lot for her. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing though given that I’ve never met her in person. We don’t have a set date yet to meet, but we both know it needs to be soon. Feeling as much as we do for each other, we need to see each other and find out if it truly is real or not.
The only thing that scares me though is that she doesn’t know yet that I have BPD. Ugh. I go back and forth about it in my head all the time. I am usually very upfront about it to people that enter my life and especially people that I’m dating. But it’s because at some point and time, if they have to deal with some of the symptoms of the disorder, then I want them to understand what is going on. I don’t tell everyone in my life. Only the people that I see myself spending a significant amount of time with and have the highest chance of witnessing the disorder firsthand. I want people to know so that they’re aware, but also so they have the chance to leave if they feel they aren’t able to handle it. I would rather have someone leave early on because of the disorder then for me to get attached (well I attach quickly, but I mean getting super attached) and then them abandon me later on. But this scenario that I’m currently in doesn’t fit the normal pattern. I’m not around her all the time. She isn’t going to witness anything. And the thought of telling her terrifies me. I mean, she’s told me that she’s never going to leave. But I’ve heard that before. Not saying I don’t believe her, but when she says that she’s probably thinking about mundane things that I may tell her about me. Not BPD. It’s intense and emotional and I am broken inside because of it. I mean, not everything with the disorder is bad. I love fiercely because of it and can be extremely loyal to those I hold close to me. But it’s still a disorder that defines my life. It defines……me.
The other night we were talking about the Twilight movies. And she told me that it was one of her favorite love stories. When I asked her why, she responded that it was because Bella fell in love with the one person she was never meant to love. And then she said, “Against all of the odds, she fell in love with a monster. And suddenly, because of her love, he wasn’t such a monster anymore.” That statement gave me chills. Because most of the time, I feel like a monster. I feel that there’s this beast inside of me that I have to maintain control of. A monster lurking underneath, just waiting to find a way out. I wanted to tell her right then and there, “But I really am a monster!” Of course I didn’t. But I fought back the urge too. Her statement made me wonder though, if someone truly loved me and took care of me, would I still be a monster? Could unconditional love fix even just a small part of me that’s broken? I don’t have an answer to that question because I’ve never had unconditional love from a partner. I mean I have it from my parents, my sister, my closest friends, but never from someone I literally shared a life with. But what if she’s real? What if she’s who I’m meant to be with? No one meets on Instagram. No one. But somehow, we did. Against all of the odds. Maybe every choice has lead me to her for a reason. What if she’s the one to save me? I’ve been through enough to be weary about the situation. Especially since we haven’t met yet. I’m not that naïve anymore. I know how the world works. I know how my world works. But……what if?