Tag Archives: love

breathe.

I watched a woman kill herself and I continue to have flashbacks of it. I haven’t been able to sleep. Because everytime I close my eyes I see her looking at me. She’s haunting me. And telling me that I am just like her.

A friendship that I once thought was so “different”, is currently crashing down around me. And I don’t know if the pieces can ever fit back together.

The girl that set me up to fall for her, did not follow through with catching me. Words seem to have been just that, words. I don’t even know how to put into words what is currently going on with that situation. Except that I fell and am now just lost and confused. With no light at the end of the tunnel. Nor do I know how long the tunnel is.

My sister has cancer. She may also lose everything she has today as her husband is most likely going to lose his job. And he is the sole provider in their family. My nephew and niece, who are the complete center of my world, may not have a home when the sun goes down tonight.

The waves continue to crash around me. Getting bigger and stronger. Pushing me down with each progression. As I struggle just to get up from my knees. And all I want to do is just breathe.

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in time and place.

She is beginning to consume my thoughts. In all truth, she has for quite some time. Not quite ready to use her name is that would make it very real. A very real part of my story. So for now, I will call her K. The girl in North Carolina. The one who, against all odds, has captured my attention. All of it. I could downplay what is occurring. But this is the place where I promised to lay bare all of my dirty little secrets. So I will not lie to you. Any more that I can lie to myself. I feel for her. I feel a lot. In ways that should not be happening. Because I still have yet to see her in person. I still do not know what it feels like to hold her in my arms. But still, I feel.

I think that it is because of the distance that this relationship, because let’s be honest that’s what it is, is getting to me the way that it is. All we currently have is communication. Which has always been lacking in every previous relationship that I have had. Even though thoughts and emotions constantly flow through me, I am bad at communication. Sometimes it is because I am scared to share what goes through my mind. What fills my heart. Sometimes it is because it is too much for anyone to know. But sometimes it is because I can’t find the words to express how I am feeling. I can’t put words to exactly what it is inside me. So in every relationship I move fast and make a person fall for me and we proceed from there. But every time, the communication throughout the relationship is lacking. But this, well all we have is communication. It is the only thing connecting us. And to see her name appear on my phone, it gives me butterflies. It puts an instant smile on my face. Even now, over two months later. She still gets to me. And I don’t know exactly what that means. I want her. I need her. I crave to be next to her. But then there are the doubts. The questions. The fears. Because she is 1600 miles away. An entire country separates us. And how can I fall in love with someone who I have not only seen, but I can’t drive to in a single day.

My friends, well, they’re concerned. They have seen me destroyed by love. By people. They do not want that to happen again. Some believe she is just using me as a distraction from her left. That this is never meant to be real. That we will never truly meet. There are those who believe that she is hiding things from me. Because with some on the other side of the country, it is so easy to hide so much of yourself. I mean, look at me, I’m hiding my BPD. I’m able to hide it because she does not have to see me cry at night. I do not have to explain certain behavior to her. Because she does not need to know the reality of my day to day life. It’s not that I hide everything from her. But I have hidden the worst parts of myself. With her, I’m able to be the person that I want the world to know. Not all good. She knows most everything about me. Just not the BPD. Not that. But if I am able to hide that from her, as my friends say, imagine what she could be hiding from me. And then there are those that think maybe there is a chance for us. However they are cautious and worried. I get where they all are coming from. I do understand. If this was someone else living this story and telling me about it, well I’d probably feel the same way. I’d tell them all the same things that I am being told. And hoped that they would listen. But I’m not listening. My heart won’t let me. This feels like it is meant for something. I just wish I knew what.

And as for her, well she opens up with me. I know things about her that I know, I know, she does not share with others. Because I have heard her talk to others. And it’s not how she talks to me. And that’s the side that no one else sees. Or can understand. I do not feel all of these things on my own. It is a shared experience. I just don’t know where I am supposed to go from here. Do I continue to feel? Even though this could end badly. Do I do what my friends are telling me to do and just try not to get to serious? But it is already serious. So what do I do? I know what my heart is telling me. But my heart is not always right. My heart has led me to some very bad places. My heart has been broken too bad by decisions that felt right at the time. So what do I do this time? I don’t want to lose her. But I also don’t want to end up destroyed. Again. I can’t go through that again. Not right now. But what if she’s the one thing keeping me together? To love means you open yourself up to someone. You give them the knife that can cut right through you. And yet have the faith that they will never use it. Love is always a risk. For anyone. But what do I do when I cannot absorb the hurt like anyone else? What if I feel more than most. And hurt more as well. Because that’s what I am. But maybe, in this time and place, she is the one that is meant to put the broken pieces back together. She has already started the process. She says she has duct tape for the rest. Maybe duct tape will do the job that nothing else has been able to. Maybe it is worth the risk of being ripped apart. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being stupid. That’s the problem. I can’t even trust my own feelings. That’s the worst part. I can never trust myself or what I feel. But just maybe, in this time and place……


stuck.

I feel very stuck in life right now. I know a lot of people feel that way. But most people don’t also have the addition of BPD to the equation. For a lot of my life, I am very impulsive. Name it and I’ve probably done it at some point in time. I know that sounds bad, but it’s the truth. Sometimes my impulsivity has been a good thing. People envy me for it. But if they knew the truth they’d realize that it’s not a very good quality to have. It’s not that I don’t consider consequences. Well actually, I guess in that moment I don’t. Or if I do I just put them aside to worry about after the fact. But impulsivity has lead me down some very bad roads. And all I want right now is just to move to a new place. A fresh start. I need a new horizon to look at. New people to meet and know. I know that person that I am meant to be with is not where I currently am. Don’t ask me how I know that because I don’t really know. I just know it. I feel it deep inside my soul. Plus the gay community in my city is very small. Very very small. And I never want to be a part of it. Because it is nothing but drama. I don’t want to date someone that has dated half of the other people in town. Nor do I want to date someone that is part of the “scene”. I do everything I can to stay away from that life. The majority of my friends are straight and I am completely ok with that. I don’t go out to the bars and clubs. It’s just not for me. I mean, I’m down to go play pool at a dive bar or listen to live music, but I’m not one to party and dance and drink until 3 in the morning. Plus, that lifestyle isn’t good for me. Being around alcohol so much isn’t good. Learned that the hard way and I’m trying to be better. So in the end, I just don’t feel like this is the place for me personally. But the problem is, my support system is here. See, that’s where the BPD factor comes into play. I have learned that I need my support system. I need my family. I need my friends that know everything about me and know how to talk me down or be there for me. I need that. I wouldn’t be here still if I didn’t have that. If I was in a place and didn’t have them, I don’t think it’d be good. If I was left to my own devices, I don’t know what would happen. But it’s still in me that I need to be somewhere else. But how do I do that? It’s a conscious decision to be away from the people who have kept me alive. Is that really a smart decision? But what if I never find what I am looking for here. What if I am never happy here. What’s the point of being alive if I’m not happy? I am at a loss at what to do. Stay somewhere where I am fairly certain I have the support system in place to ensure I stay alive. Or search somewhere else for the happiness that eludes me here, but if I get in trouble I do not know that I will be able to handle it on my own or stay alive. I know the answer is that my life is worth more. But like I said, what’s the point of being alive if I don’t have what I want most in life?


what if.

So. I’ve been talking to this girl from North Carolina that I met online. Well, technically it wasn’t really “online”. Somehow, I seriously have no idea how, I found her on Instagram. Yeah, I know, no one meets on Instagram. But that’s where I found her. And on her home page she had listed her screenname for a messenger service. I was in a state of mind where I just wanted a distraction from life. I wanted to talk to someone, anyone, to get my mind off everything. So I figured what the hell, and I downloaded the messenger app and sent her a message. To be honest, I never thought she’d write back. Or even if she did, I expected us to talk for maybe a day, two days at most, and then we would both lose interest. But at the time, that’s all I wanted. Just a couple days of distraction.

Well. Here we are, two months later, and we talk constantly. There hasn’t been a single day where we haven’t talked all day. We talk on the phone every night when we get the chance, which is huge for me because I absolutely hate talking on the phone. Seriously, I hate it. I don’t do it. But I will with her. I love the sound of her voice. Okay, to be honest, I also love her southern accent, but that’s part of her voice. And before you ask, yes we have even Facetimed so I know that she’s real and I’m not being catfished. Hey, in this day and age, you never know! But no, this girl is real. And I can’t lie, I feel an awful lot for her. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing though given that I’ve never met her in person. We don’t have a set date yet to meet, but we both know it needs to be soon. Feeling as much as we do for each other, we need to see each other and find out if it truly is real or not.

The only thing that scares me though is that she doesn’t know yet that I have BPD. Ugh. I go back and forth about it in my head all the time. I am usually very upfront about it to people that enter my life and especially people that I’m dating. But it’s because at some point and time, if they have to deal with some of the symptoms of the disorder, then I want them to understand what is going on. I don’t tell everyone in my life. Only the people that I see myself spending a significant amount of time with and have the highest chance of witnessing the disorder firsthand. I want people to know so that they’re aware, but also so they have the chance to leave if they feel they aren’t able to handle it. I would rather have someone leave early on because of the disorder then for me to get attached (well I attach quickly, but I mean getting super attached) and then them abandon me later on. But this scenario that I’m currently in doesn’t fit the normal pattern. I’m not around her all the time. She isn’t going to witness anything. And the thought of telling her terrifies me. I mean, she’s told me that she’s never going to leave. But I’ve heard that before. Not saying I don’t believe her, but when she says that she’s probably thinking about mundane things that I may tell her about me. Not BPD. It’s intense and emotional and I am broken inside because of it. I mean, not everything with the disorder is bad. I love fiercely because of it and can be extremely loyal to those I hold close to me. But it’s still a disorder that defines my life. It defines……me.

The other night we were talking about the Twilight movies. And she told me that it was one of her favorite love stories. When I asked her why, she responded that it was because Bella fell in love with the one person she was never meant to love. And then she said, “Against all of the odds, she fell in love with a monster. And suddenly, because of her love, he wasn’t such a monster anymore.” That statement gave me chills. Because most of the time, I feel like a monster. I feel that there’s this beast inside of me that I have to maintain control of. A monster lurking underneath, just waiting to find a way out. I wanted to tell her right then and there, “But I really am a monster!” Of course I didn’t. But I fought back the urge too. Her statement made me wonder though, if someone truly loved me and took care of me, would I still be a monster? Could unconditional love fix even just a small part of me that’s broken? I don’t have an answer to that question because I’ve never had unconditional love from a partner. I mean I have it from my parents, my sister, my closest friends, but never from someone I literally shared a life with. But what if she’s real? What if she’s who I’m meant to be with? No one meets on Instagram. No one. But somehow, we did. Against all of the odds. Maybe every choice has lead me to her for a reason. What if she’s the one to save me? I’ve been through enough to be weary about the situation. Especially since we haven’t met yet. I’m not that naïve anymore. I know how the world works. I know how my world works. But……what if?


single.

I hate being single. My thoughts consume me at night. I am trapped within my own mind with no key to escape. I wake up every morning feeling more empty than I was the day before. It makes me feel like I’m flailing in the darkness and there is no one there to catch me. Or watch me fall. It is an intolerance for being alone. I can’t handle it. The feeling like I have no direction. Or even a path to walk along. People tell me that this is the time of self-discovery for me. When I am supposed to learn to love myself and my life. And then, and only then, will I find what will complete me. But the flaw in their grand design is that I am not like them. I do not think the way most people do. I do not feel things the way most people do. I can’t enjoy this feeling of freedom. Because it is not freedom to me. It is me being untethered. With no one to answer to but myself. It is me standing on the edge of a cliff and no one is there to stop me from jumping. It is me being able to do whatever I want, with no one to tell me not to. It is me one moment away, one decision away, from being everything I have worked so hard not to be. The impulsive and reckless monster that may not be here tomorrow. That’s not freedom. That’s a constant ache for someone to stop me. For someone to save me. From myself.


letter to a nation.

ImageLast night, as I was standing in my bedroom, I had a realization.  It hit me with the force of a punch and brought tears to my eyes.  But it was nothing but good.  And pure.  As I was standing there, surrounded by everything that I have worked so hard to attain, I had the realization that I have truly been blessed in this life.  For just a second, I took all of it in, and I realized that I have everything in this life that I have ever wanted.  For so long, it was never enough.  I always felt as if there was something missing.  Some piece that I couldn’t figure out.  I work at a job that I hate, but it has given me the opportunity to own a house.  I own a car, pink slip in hand, that always gets me from point A to point B.  I have a loving family that continues to support me and be there for anything that I may need.  I have had all of these things for a long time, but it never felt complete.  And as I stood there looking around, I realized that what brought everything together and made me feel complete was the addition of my fiancé into my life.  She made this house into a home.  She made my daily life into a fairy tale.  She was that missing piece of the puzzle that brought it all together to give me that feeling of satisfaction.  I had a relationship before.  I was in that relationship when I bought the house.  When my car got paid off.  When I paid off my debt.  But it was a broken relationship that made everything in my life feel just as broken.  But when I met my fiancé, it all changed.  I was at a place in my life where I could follow one of two paths.  The first path, I could’ve continued to deteriorate, to drink, to do drugs, and I probably would’ve been dead within a year.  The second path would be to fix myself.  To fix my life.  To mold it into what I had always wanted.  The second path seemed too hard.  Too covered and hidden that I didn’t even know where to find it.  But when my fiancé entered my life, that second path that once seemed so unattainable, became my only choice.  It became very clear to me that this life was worth holding onto.  I already had stability in my life in the sense that I never had to worry about money or where I was going to sleep that night or what I was going to eat.  But my fiancé brought me emotional stability.  She brought me to a place in which I feel fully supported for the first time.  It allows me to appreciate everything in my life in a light that I never was able to experience before.  So as I had that realization, I also knew that I needed to put something else out there.  There is a national debate currently going on regarding gay marriage.  Some states have decided that gay marriage should be legal.  Other states have amended their constitution to make gay marriage illegal.  Every state has a different viewpoint.  Just as every person has a different viewpoint as well.  So with that, I need to write this so that people can see into my life.  My life not only as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.  But also my life as a gay individual.

You see, my life is not much different than yours.  My fiancé and I live a relatively normal life.  Most people who are against gay marriage don’t understand that.  They believe that we live this entire life of sin and horrible acts.  So to those who believe that, I say this:

I am no different than you.  My relationship is no different than your own. 

My fiancé tells me to take out the trash.  She tells me when I do not wash the dishes to her satisfaction.  She lets me know when I missed a spot when I was cleaning.  She has molded our house into a home with picture frames and other wall decorations.  She likes things to be as clean as possible (I have also found that having a clean house is something I truly enjoy as well, plus it decreases my anxiety).  She does our laundry and tells me when I did not put dirty clothes in the correct basket.  We argue about minor details of our life, and then make up moments later.  She wakes up in the morning to make me breakfast so that I start my day out right, even though she doesn’t have to be at work for hours after me.  She wakes up when it is 5* outside just so she can go turn my car on for me so it can warm up before I have to leave.  She takes care of me when I am sick.  She makes sure that I do not eat anything that will hurt my stomach (I have gastroesophageal reflux disease and so I cannot eat certain things).  She holds me when I cry, even though she hates tears.  She listens when I have something that I need to get out.  She forces me to communicate the feelings inside of me so that it can help me and also our relationship.  When she does not work, she cleans while I am at work and makes sure I come home to a hot dinner.  She works long days just so that she can make sure we have enough money in our account.  She tells me her stories and opens up her life to me, as I do with her.  She wants me to make sure I spend time with my friends.  She sits in the cold and windy rain during my softball games, just so I can know that she supports me and is there to cheer me on.  She handles my parents with grace, which is not always an easy task.  She strives to make sure that everyone in her life, especially me, are happy and taken care of.  You see, in every sense of the word, she is my wife.  My partner in this life.  We are the same as every straight couple I know.

Tonight we are going to an event to help feed the homeless.  We will be bringing a dish that will be served and we will stand in the cold for a couple hours to make sure that every single person that is hungry will have a plate of food.  The people that will come to us do not care that we are gay.  The clothes donations that we will be taking with us will not be turned away just because they were once worn by a lesbian.  The people that we will encounter tonight will only see us for what we truly are, fellow humans.  At my work, the clients on my cases do not care who I go home to at night.  They do not care that I do not wear dresses or skirts.  They could care less that I plan to marry a woman and have already put a ring on her finger to symbolize my commitment to her.  They see me as someone that can help them and that is what they need me to do for them.  They see me as a person, which is what I am.  I am saying all of these things because this is the truth of it, I am just a person.  My fiancé is as well.  Our relationship does not impact anyone else’s life.  Our love does not matter to anyone that we encounter in our daily life.  Our life is just like yours.  Denying me the right to marry the love of my life will not affect me.  I will continue to love who I want to love.  Perhaps you are just jealous of what I have.  That my commitment goes beyond any piece of paper.  Or maybe you just think that you are better than me.  Either way, if you ever truly needed me, you would take my help.  I know you would.  And that is okay.  Because I will continue to offer it whether you believe in my love or not.  But just so you know, I’m just like you.  My home life is just like yours.  My daily life is just like yours.  And if you ever doubt that or try to think differently, read this again.  I will still be here. Thanks to the woman who saved me. Who showed me what unconditional love is. Our love is real, whether you believe in it or not. I am just like you.


thank you.

Pinky Swear

Pinky Swear (Photo credit: The Kozy Shack)

I have recently found myself reflecting a lot on the last year.  In all honesty, it has been the most challenging path I have yet had to venture down.  This time last year, I was deep in the throes of an emotional abyss.  I was struggling to find an identity.  To find a purpose for my life.  I was lost in a world in which not many people can find you.  I did not even know if I wanted to be found.  I was crying out for help that did not come at the time.  From there it only got worse.  My ex leaving me in the manner that she did, shattered any grasp I had on my life.  I was broken.  A shell of myself.  And I continued to spiral down.  I was beyond lost.  And I am too stubborn, or proud, to truly ask for help.  I have an innate belief that I can heal myself.  That I can maintain control over the demons inside of me.  I lie to myself.  And, by many accounts, I failed.  I never wanted to see tomorrow.  I never thought that it would get better.  I gave up on everything in this life that I had ever believed in.  Including myself.  And I found out the true extent of my disorder.  And the deep places that it can take me if I allow it.  The scars on my arms are fading.  But the memory remains as clear as ever.  I remember.  Everything. 

To this day, it terrifies me to think of the depths of my emotions.  And where they can lead me.  But I am still here.  I am a different person then I was 7 months ago.  To say that my life has changed over the course of the last year would be an understatement.  I have grown.  I have learned.  I have begun to build a foundation on the solid rock bottom that I never thought I would escape.  I still struggle.  I still fight my impulsive true nature.  I cry.  I battle against myself.  I battle with myself.  I know the darkness that can consume me.  And I understand that the darkness is still inside of me.  But I am here.  And I know that there are several reasons for that.  It cannot be attributed to just one thing.  And one of those factors was this place.  This blog.  

Whoever may be reading this, I want to take a moment to thank you.  Yeah, you.  I probably don’t know you.  I may never know your name or meet you in person.  But you’ve read my blog regardless.  And because of that I feel the faintest connection with you.  In this place I have found solace, and I needed that more than I ever knew.  Maybe no one is really reading this, but I will put my faith in the belief that someone is.  That even just one person out there cares.  And whoever you may be, you played a part in saving me.  Just by existing.  And for that, I will always be grateful.  

I am not “cured”.  I never will be.  I will still stumble.  I will lose battles within myself.  But I will continue to fight.  So thank you for providing me with one more reason to.  Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  Never give up on me.  And I promise to never give up on you.  I’ll even pinkie promise if you want.